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THE TWO KEVINS

 

EPISODE 5 – Dance Crazy!

It’s a Saturday night. The 2 Kevins are watching television. Strictly Come Dancing is on.

KF: I hate Bruce Forsyth.

KH: Yes he is very old. It’s odd then that his hair looks considerably younger.

KF: He’s a massive wanker isn’t he? I thought he retired a few years ago any way?

KH: He did but Tess Daly isn’t really a massive wanker so for the Two Kevins comedic effect he’s back in the series as a one off special guest.

KF: That just makes him more of a wanker in my eyes.

KF & KH continue to watch the television.

KH: Kelly Brook was on this a few series ago.

KF: Thanks for reminding me about her. Is she still having problems with her radiators?

KH: Fortunately yes. She’s got a great range of underwear Kev.

KF: Please stop talking about that Kev. I’m finding that hilarious coincidence less hilarious everytime you mention it.

There is a knock at the door. KF gets up slowly and painfully and limps towards the door and opens it. Standing there in a gold lamé suit and shiny tap shoes is Strictly Come Dancing judge Craig Revel-Horwood.

CRH: Hello darling! Let’s dance!

CRH grabs KF and vigorously cha-cha-cha’s around the room with him. KF clutches his recently shot knee in agony and falls to the ground in a crumpled heap.

KF: Jesus! What did you do that for? I’ve recently been shot in the kneecap in a hilarious case of mistaken identity involving my flatmate who is also called Kevin. That bloody hurt you massive wanker! I thought Bruce Forsyth was a massive wanker but that takes the flamin’ biscuit! You massive massive wanker!

CRH: Sorry darling, I was told that Kevin Bacon, star of the 1984 hit film “ Footloose” lived here?

At the mention of “Footloose” the chorus to the song starts ups and finishes 5 seconds later.

KH: Where did that music come from?

CRH: That’s not important, it’s just the magic of dance.

KF: Well I’m not Kevin Bacon and I can’t dance. Look at my bleeding leg. I think you’ve split the stitches. Footloose? (the music starts up again). Knee buggered more like.

KH: How does that music start up? And what are you doing here? You’re on the telly?

CRH: That’s not important, it’s just the magic of dance.

KH: Hmm…this is all a bit odd. Anyway, Kev on the floor there is right, Kevin Bacon out of Footloose (the music starts up again) doesn’t live here. There is a gang of Kevins who live down the road above the newsagent. Spacey, Keegan, Costner they’re all in there. I wouldn’t be surprised if Kevin Bacon out of Footloose (music again) was down there as well. What do you want him for him for anyway?

CRH: Well darling, I’m producing a stage version of the film Footloose (music) and as the original star of Footloose (music) he’ll probably know the words and dance moves in Footloose (music).

KH: That’s a good idea. If you don’t find him though I can dance a bit. Look…

KH proceeds to perform a Riverdance style piece that Michael Flatley would have been proud of If Michael Flatley had been a 17 stone bloke who couldn’t dance very well.

KH: What did you think of that Craig? CRH: Well…your topline was bit shite. And your legs were really shite. All in all it was a dance disarster dahling!!!

A smiling Len Goodman sticks his head round the door.

LG: Severn!

Everybody laughs

KH: Hilarious!

KF: Hilarious! Ouch.

END

25 MINUTES THEME TUNE – a drum solo by Razzle of Hanoi Rocks

 

1 Comment on this article

  • BobMunkee 2016-02-03

    Yes! Back on form apart from the jokes obviously. Not that I could detect any jokes. Anyway, I’d give it an Oscar. Probably two.

    Reply

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