Uncategorised6 Comments

default thumbnail

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for! Our regular inquisitor known as Problem Child has started writing regularly at intertwit.com. He controversial, he’s forthright, he’s frank, he’s pre-pubescent.

But he speaks the truth…well his version of the truth at any rate…read on and be enthralled, appalled and then physically sick…PROBLEM CHILD!


Hello,

I’m Problem Child and I know a thing or two. Much more than, say, you….for example. It’s just an example, I might be wrong (unlikely).

Anyway, you’ll be delighted to hear that I’ve accepted Intertwit’s offer of having me as a regular contributor. Looking back over my 12 years and 8 months (of life) I can see why:

·         I have impeccable education: expensive, elitist, non-inclusive in all kinds of ways – including heterosexuality

·         I’m going to be a politician or a banker (depends a bit on daddy and who he knows) – but either way, you can trust me accordingly

So I’m kicking off with a special report on the UK general election forthcoming. Sadly I won’t be able to vote (a travesty – it should be based on “intelligence” not “age”). So that’s my first point. Change the law on that. I don’t see any party putting that on the table. Idiots.

However, on to more mainstream matters which may be concerning those – like yourself – that have haven’t had private education, perhaps drive a Nissan or a Ford (a car of say 3-7 years old, starting to have niggling electrical or throttle problems but that can’t afford a new car yet – sound familiar?). Well, this is for you. Why are you in this position? Why, why, why you scream? (much like my daddy last year when his bonus was only 3.2 million, down 17% – something to do with the fact the banks are subsidised by the working man whatever that is). Sometimes life isn’t fair. While daddy doesn’t often speak to me, I weep sometimes out of sheer empathy.

So anyway, yes, why are you in this position? You can vote to change it. Is it “nature” or is it “nurture”? By the former I mean you might not be as intelligent as me. By the latter I mean, everything else – like, for example, the government. It’s one thing being thick, it’s another being treated accordingly. I’m completely OK with radical transform on all areas accordingly (so long as it doesn’t have a majorly adverse impact on inheritance tax).

So let’s pick two hot topics.

1. Could Labour really raise nearly £20bn by reversing Conservative corporation tax cuts?

No.

2. If 30% more people under 25 vote, could the Conservatives actually lose the election?

Yes.

While the conservatives are a little “left” for my taste, they’ll probably win (according to my notes). And yes, I know what you’re thinking. What does this smarmy, privileged, stuck-up, know-it-all, 12 year old freak have to offer of any relevance to me whatsoever. It’s a fair point.

But bear in mind I’ve been to Tottenham. Bit of a trek from West Brompton but I did it to learn. To see it, live it, breathe it. And then report back with a balanced view for you. I did it so you don’t have to.

 Problem Child


Well, that was special wasn’t it fellow intertwitters!? Want to respond to Problem Child. Do it now, just under here!

6 Comments on this article

  • JohnOB 2017-06-04

    Dear Child
    I am delighted you have chosen two careers that carry quite a weight of responsibility. When I think banker, I think merchant banker which of course rhymes with, anyway that’s not important right now. You also may want to become a politician, which has its own pitfalls, as you may become a complete Jeremy Hunt, but anyway that’s not important right now.
    I think that you would be a good hedge fund manager indeed, because they are the most respected in society, right up there with doctors, nurses, paramedics, and while you can earn squillions, for every hedge fund manager there are a shed load, and I mean a shed load of people on minimum wage (less their uniform costs and lack of pension or sick pay) working in a shed putting bar codes on trainers for your benefit.
    I would suggest that you do not become a politician, even with your huge brain, as the basic salary is pretty low, and unless you have a trust fund to fall back on, or have about 7 jobs on the side, you may struggle. I would suggest you initially get a Saturday job in Primark or TK Max picking the clothes off the floor that the punters pick up and then drop on the floor as if they have just finished their MaccyDs and drop the wrappers on the pavement.
    Anyway, I digress.
    You ask about corporation tax.
    When I worked as a contractor, I was often encouraged to set myself up as a limited company so that I could reduce the tax on my income. This was by colleagues who had done this, but also the agencies that provided me with the work. I declined as I was happy to pay my tax through PAYE. I try and stay healthy but at some point I may require health care, a pension, or to look after those less fortunate than myself. It’s called doing the right thing. The right thing is paying your taxes, the wrong thing is evading tax. If that needs any elaboration I am happy to offer advice. If you want an example of the wrong thing to do, google Philip Green, and see what a prize chump he is, and enjoy his lovely mullet. I am worried that you may look him up, see the phrase “billionaire” and think that is aspirational. Do not be misled. Google BHS pension just to be sure.
    So in summary, the idea of reducing corporation tax used to mean that the companies would invest more into their premises and workers, but unfortunately this now means they just cream it off for themselves, and sit on a yacht eating their way to a coronary. God speed.
    As for the youth vote, yes they should get off their arse and use what people are still dying for around the world. As a side note, dear child, do you know when Switzerland gave a vote to the women in their country. 1973. Seems like, along time ago to you but not long enough. For other highly regarded Swiss, google Sepp Blatter. So when there are people dying for a vote around the world it would be good to use ours. But students have been restricted as they are a bit lefty and might vote for the vegetarian, allotment owning, jam making guy who does not want to press the nuclear button and wants to rebuild the NHS and our infrastructure. Yeah, nuts!

    Peace and love

    Reply

  • HertfordTwit 2017-06-07

    Strong words from John there but Problem Child does provoke strong words (and not all of them suitable for a family oriented website such as this).

    If we can catch him at the right time after his mid-afternoon nap perhaps we’ll elicit a response from him..,

    Reply

  • ProblemChild 2017-06-10

    Dear Mr JohnOB,

    I’ve really taken on board all of your comments – due to my youth – and written them down in a little book that I was intending to cherish forever, and perhaps would help steer me towards a greater cause. Unfortunately daddy returned earlier than anticipated from work (11.30pm) and disposed of it while I was finishing my notes. Daddy says you use “rude words”, and might be a bit “mad”. I think it was the merchant banker comment that upset him (he’s a merchant banker). But please don’t hold that against him. It’s the only reason we have 18 cars and 6 houses – like most people. If he didn’t “merchant bank” (i believe that’s a euphemism) then we’d have to live like the tiny minority in houses attached to other houses and drive (as I said in my election special) Fords and Nissans.

    Still on to happier things Mr JohnOB. I detect you have a sense of ethics about you and therefore have probably never had to endure the madness I went through with my “get to know” trip to Tottenham. Would you believe they even have a football team? Stick to bagels I say. I’m sure you’d agree.

    I wish you well Mr JohnOB and hope you find peace in some form or other. You’re welcome to visit West Brompton at some point (maybe when Daddy does one of his special visits to see his secretary).

    Innit.
    PC

    Reply

  • SwedishChef 2017-06-10

    Deer Mr JuhnOB. I’m a cheff su I ilveys buoy begels in Tuttenhem. I leeke-a begels buot remember us svedes ilsu a pretty guod it Fuotbell. Du zeey reelly hefe-a a fuotbell teem in Tuttenhem? Bork Bork Bork!

    Reply

  • SwedishChef 2017-06-10

    Oh, I’fe-a juost luoked up Tuttenhem here-a in Svedena in oun zee-a interveb und zeey du hefe-a a teem celled Spuors! I’fe-a luoked zee-a resuolts und zee-a fanbese-a und I still zeeng best ve-a stick tu zee-a begels leeke-a prublem cheeld seed! Luts haf lufe-a tu yuou Mr JuhnOB frum us ill in Svedena (ve-a’re-a ill blunde-a vit beeg buobees – ifeen me-a).

    Reply

  • HertfordTwit 2017-06-12

    It’s always great to hear from our Viking cousins even if we if haven’t a clue what they’re talking about!

    Keep on with the meatballs and lingonberry sauce Herr Chef!

    Reply

Add a comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.