The Two Kevins – Series 2
Episode 2 – Return of the Kev
Episode 2 starts where Ep 1 left off. Kev H on the floor and a panda bear at the door with a newsagents card in his mouth…
The Panda then removes his head just as Kev H is coming round.
Kev H: This is all getting a bit odd for flips sake…Kev is that you…???
Kev F: Yes it is actually Kev.
Kev H: Nice suit.
Kev F: Yes, Kevin Costner gave it to me.
Kev H: I have to say Kev, I thought you had been fatally mauled by Ding Ding the panda bear at the zoo.
Kev F: Yes it was certainly looking that way for a while but Kevin Costner dived into the enclosure in a “Bodyguard” fashion and shoved me out of the way just in the nick. He had been working undercover for the APL.
Kev H: The APL?
Kev F: The Anti-Panda League, It’s an organisation dedicated to removing funding for panda bears, I thought you would have heard of them.
Kev H: Undercover for the Anti-Panda League?
Kev F: Yes, Kevin Costner was wearing this suit in a bid to gather evidence that panda bears are lazy, self-absorbed, good for nothing freeloaders. I think he was also doing research for a 7 hour cinematic epic about a man marooned on a remote archipelago populated only by a panda bear master race. You know the sort of thing he does.
Kev H: Yes that does sound like his sort of schtick. He should have given up after Footloose.
Kev F: Think that was Kevin Bacon.
Kev H: Oh yes, anyway what happened after he shoved you out of the way?
Kev F: Well, let’s just say that “The Panda Archipelago” is not going to get made anytime soon. Ding Ding got to him in a rather brutal and savage fashion as you know and that’s the body the Police have found. Fortunately I manage to hide behind a pile of bamboo shoots until Ding Ding fell asleep, borrowed Kev’s suit and escaped out the back. I got some funny looks on the bus home I can tell you.
Kev H: Wow, what an outlandish and quite frankly unbelievable story full of holes and unlikely plot developments that is. I can’t quite understand how I didn’t see any of that for myself.
Kev F: Well maybe you were distracted by the underwear model in the high heels and bikini.
Kev H: Maybe I was Kev, maybe I was. Well, we’re all back to normal now though and that’s the main thing.
Kev F: Yes I suppose it is. Oh Kev, do you know anything about this card I saw on the way home in the newsagent? Were you trying to rent out my room after only 2 hours of thinking that I’d been dead?
Kev H: No don’t be daft Kev, I think there was some confusion with some blokes called Ken. I had Ken Hom and Ken Barlow at the door before you came home asking if they could move in. I think the Ken looks like a Kev in the advert. Must be the handwriting.
Kev F: But it’s typed.
Kev H: That’s what I said. Anyway it’s obviously wrong whoever did it so let’s just chuck it in the bin. I think Kens are prone to confusing (although not as hilarious) circumstances as Kevs are.
Kev H takes the card from Kev F, rips it up and put in in the bin.
Kev H: Let’s go down the pub. I bet you good do with a drink
Kev F: Yes I could, 5 pounds of bamboo shoots in one sitting tends to dry the palette out…
21 minute drum solo by Mick Woodmansey out of the Spiders from Mars
All the other Two Kevins episodes here!