The Two Kevins – Series 2 Episode 4
Kev H: Jesus, did that take us over a year to get down to Majestic Wines?
Kev F: You know Kev, I think it did. It’s as if some people can’t be bothered to write new storylines, or even continue with the ones they originally thought of 15 months earlier.
Kev H: Bloody hell, what’s the point? We’ve got around 1 (maybe 2 at a push) fans who will want to know how this contrived plot plays out!
Kev F: They’re not the only ones Kev…well they maybe. Anyway, the last thing I remember (before we were put into stasis) is that we were going to find out whether German footballers Kevin Kuranyi and Kevin Prince Boateng actually now worked at Majestic Wines or whether it was another crazy Kevin coincidence.
Kev H: That would explain why we’re here standing outside what used to be Majestic Wines. Except it now appears to be called “Ed’s Craft Beer and Beard Salon (featuring the Boutique of Flat Caps and Difficult Spectacles)”.
Kev F: That’s catchy.
Kev H: Well it looks as if they still sell beer so we are duty bound to investigate. Let’s get in!
Inside the shop Kev & Kev are confronted with a shop assistant who looks a bit like this:
Craft Beard Man: Hello gents, how can I help you today? We have a beer and beard oil special offer today. 3 for the price of 2.
Kev H: We haven’t got any beards.
Craft Beard Man: Well perhaps a present? For your mothers?
Kev H: Steady on now…
Kev F: Can I have 4 cans of Stella please?
The Craft Beerd Man looks sternly and Kev F and punches him in the face.
Craft Beard Man: We do not sell Stella. We do, however, have a wonderfully challenging 8.5% Belgian Style Quadrupel infused with dandelion, crunchie bars and lychees. It’s made by an artisan brewery in Deptford. The brewer has a beard, flat cap and difficult thick rimmed glasses.
Kev F: Bloody hell. I only asked for a couple of cans of Stella. Can I have 4 bottles of Peroni then?
The Craft Beerd man hits Kev F again in the face.
Craft Beard Man: We do not sell Peroni. Would you like instead, an intense 7.7% Smoked papika, pepper and pistachio porter? It’s from an artisan brewery in Manchester. The brewer has a beard, 2 flat caps and difficult thick rimmed glasses.
Kev F: Jesus! What about…
Craft Beard Man: Yes….
Kev F: …What about…errrm…something continental?
Craft Beard Man: Yes we have an astounding 11.2% Danish \ American Vermont IPA collaboration brew called “Skæg, flad hætte og tykke briller”. It’s brewed in Odense and San Diego by 2 brewers who…
Kev F:..have beards, flat caps and difficult thick rimmed glasses?
Craft Beard Man: Yes, do you know them?
Kev F: No, just a shot in the dark…
Kev H: Got any Oranjeboom?
Kev F steps in before Craft Beerd Man can land his punch.
Kev F: Anyway, we’re here not just here to buy some beer, which by the way seems a bit more difficult and dangerous than it was when I bought some 15 months ago. Do you have 2 members of staff called Kevin who may or may not be German footballers?
Craft Beard Man: No we don’t. You may be referring to the two German chaps who worked here when it was Majestic Wines. They left to run a branch of “Majestätische Weine“ in Hamburg.
Kev H: Oh that’s disappointing.
Craft Beerd Man: Yes it is both disappointing and unsatisfying. It’s as if someone had gone down a bit of a cul de sac with a plotline and decided to forget about it only to replace it with an equally weak (but resolvable) conceit.
Kev H: errr…yes. Back to beer then. Well, seeing as you don’t have any of the normal sort of stuff I’ll have 4 bottles of that 9.2% Single Hop Sorachi 8 Goze Stout West Coast Double Custard IPA. The ones with the picture of the bloke with the flat cap, beard and difficult glasses.
Craft Beerd Man: Good choice, that’ll be £47.00 please. Turning to Kev F. And have you decided yet sir?
Kev F: Think I’ve gone off beer for the time being. I’ll just have 2 bottles of Blue Nun and a big bag of cheese and onion crisps please…
Episode ends in a freeze frame of the Craft Beerd man climbing over the counter with a baseball bat in his hand as the 2 Kevs run out of the shop
23 minute theme tune BY Joey Jordison (aka #1) out of Slipknot
All the other Two Kevins episodes here!