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The Two Kevins – Series 2 Episode 6

The Miracle of St Kevin

If anyone read the last episode you’ll remember, if your memory is up to snuff, that Kelly Brook was running down the stairs to confront Kevin Rowland out of Dexy’s Midnight Runners and David Essex out of David Essex’s 1973 hit “Rock On” before they purloined the sleeping pandas in the Two Kevins flat.

Kevin Rowland: Oh no! Quick Dave, let’s scarper! It’s buxom nutcase panda warrior campaigner Kelly Brook! The games up!

David Essex: Quick, to the barge!

Rowland and Essex run away very fast down the stairs and make a high-speed getaway onto David Essex’s barge which is parked up on a nearby canal.

Kelly Brook:Thank God I came along when I did, those two undesirable river gypsies are notorious panda exploiters and exterminators. Panda can fetch in excess £30 a pair on the black panda market!

Kevin F: £30 seems cheap to me.

Kelly slaps Kevin F in the face

Kelly B: You wouldn’t say that if you’d just been bought for £30.

Kevin F: Well it’d only be £15 for a single one wouldn’t it unless they’re £20 each and you get a deal for 2?

Kelly slaps Kevin F in the face again:

KB: You’re missing the point! These pandas are poor defenceless animals all alone in the world. I was looking after these 2 and I’d just given them a bath. That’s why I’m wearing this extra skimpy bikini and why also I’m covered in soapy suds that really highlight the contours of my curviness…

Kevin H: Yes soapy suds are great aren’t they….for erm…cleaning and the like.

KB: Well yes, I was just drying little Klinker & Klanker in front of your radiators as you know my ones are always on the blink. I thought it would be safe to leave them with you 2 guys for a few moments.

KF: Safe?! No this place is not safe at all. I’m always getting punched or slapped or even shot! Safe? No this place is not safe. Not safe at all. In fact I’ve had enough. I’m off!

KH: Off? Wait up Kev, where you going?

KF: I’m going, I’m leaving you Kev. It’s all just got too much. I’ve leaving to become a hermit like St Kevin of Glendalough.

KH: St Kevin? Of Glenda Who?

KF: Glendalough. It’s in Ireland. St Kevin lived there and founded a hermitage in the 6th century. He lived to be a 120 so I figure I’ll be a bit safer over there.

KH: What are you going to do over there Kev? Are there any IT opportunities in Glendalough?

KF: No you don’t understand, I’m done with IT. Done with the coincidences and the violence and the pandas and the slapping. I’m going to be a full-time hermit just sitting about in quiet contemplation occasionally saying something once every 5 or 10 years that is very deep and very enlightening. St Kevin once had a blackbird lay some eggs in his hand so he stood still with his arms outstretched until the eggs hatched. I thought I might do something along those lines.

KH: I’m not sure you’ve thought this through Kev, what are the hours like? And what am I gonna do without you?

KF: You’ll be OK Kev, you’ve got Kelly and the pandas. They’ll look after you.

Kelly B: Well, actually Kev, or should I call you Caoimhghín?

KF: Not quite. Caoimhghín.

KB: Caoimhghín.

KF: Better. Caoimhghín.

KB: Caoimhghín.

KF: Oooh nearly. Caoimhghín.

KB: Caoimhghín.

KF:  Perfect. You’re speaking Irish. That’ll be a tenner please. But as I’m now a full-time hermit I have no need for monetary reward, just make a donation to the St Kevin of Glendalough Foundation for Poorly Blackbirds.

KB: I’ll do that, thanks Caoimhghín. But as I was about to say, I’m actually leaving too.

KH: Oh bollocks

KB: You see, I’ve always been intrigued by hermits and their way of life. My favourite hermit is Father Maxime Qavtaradze who lives up the top of a pillar in Greece although I’m also a fan of Julian of Norwich who lived in a cell with someone called Alice. Anyway, really what I’m trying to say is that, despite all the times I’ve slapped you in the face and berated you for not liking pandas, I’ve always been secretly attracted to you and at this moment I find you extra attractive in a madman living in a cave kind of way. So I’d like to come with you to Ireland and become a hermitess.

KF: Really??

KH: What? Really??? Oh bollocks.

KB: Yes. Really. Just one question Caoimhghín. Would I have to wear one of those robes with a hood? They look really itchy.

KF: Errm…well I’m on modern side of the hermit divide so I would say no you’ll be fine with what you’re wearing. I mean a lot of hermits end up wearing nothing at all and in any case County Wicklow is really quite tropical so carry on with the bikinis and things.

KB: Fabulous! That’s settled then!

KH: But Kelly, what about your flat? You can’t just move out you know.

KB: Don’t worry Kev, one of my friends is moving in later today.

KH: Really, that was quick! Is she like you by any chance?

KB: Not really like me, I would say she’s more of the girl next door type I guess. She’s delightful though. You’ll love her I’m sure.

KH: Great. I’m sure I will. Bollocks.

KB: So Caoimhghín, how are we getting to Glendalough?

Suddenly the sky darkens as if a thousand blackbirds had obscured the sun.

A thousand blackbirds fly into the Two Kev’s flat and raise Kev F & Kelly into the sky and they ascend beatifically out of the window towards County Wicklow (via a ferry from Fishguard as that’s a long way for even a thousand blackbirds).

KF & KB: Bye Kev! We’ll miss you! Come and visit soon!

KH: Well that was unexpected. Hey what about the pandas?! And what about all this bloody birdshit? I’ll lose my deposit (of the monetary variety)! Bloody Bollocks!!!

 

A couple of hours later, KH has cleaned up the bird mess and moved the pandas to their own enclosure in KF’s old room. There is a knock at the door. Kev opens it to find an utterly delightful young blonde woman.

Holly: Hello there I’m Holly Willoughby! I’ve just moved in upstairs. Is your name Kevin?

KH: Wow, you really are delightful aren’t you?

HW: Yes, I suppose I am aren’t I?

KH: Completely and utterly totally delightful.

HW: Errr….yes. Anyway, Kevin?

KH: Yes, that’s me, well one of us anyway. My flatmate is also called Ke…oh no he’s left hasn’t he? Which must make me the only Kevin in the locality.

HW: Oh good, you must be the right person then who knows about IT things? I can’t get my broadband working so I’m temporarily unable to contact Phillip Schofield and people like that. Can you help? Also do you know anything about radiators? I can’t turn mine off and it’s really hot up there.

KH: Praise be St Kevin of Glendalough.

HW: Sorry? St Kevin? Of Glenda Who?

KH: St Kevin of Glendalough. He’s the patron saint of Kevins, IT and radiators.

END

Followed by a 17 minute drum solo by Fenriz out of Darkthrone

CREDITS

St Kevin of Glendalough and Kelly

 

Delightful Holly delighted to be in Series 2 Episode 6 of The Two Kevins

 

Catch up on both series 1 & 2 now!

3 Comments on this article

  • BobMunkee 24th July 2019

    While the addition of Holly Willoughby and Seamus Heaney is welcome, the rest is pure rubbish.

    I hope this is the last we’ve seen of this trash.

    Good day sir.

    Reply

  • OnionTerror 24th July 2019

    We like Holly and we have a picture of her in the slaughterhouse.

    We’ve never slaughtered any blackbirds though.

    Reply

  • BingoCaracas 24th July 2019

    Well, I really liked it especially when they flew off into the sky. Pity about the lack of jokes but you can’t have it all.

    Reply

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