RE: Help! I have Stuckhome Syndrome
Dear Dr Intertwit,
I have been self isolating for some weeks now, I cannot exactly remember how long, but I know I have run out of Wotsits on at least three occasions.
I have self-diagnosed that I have developed Stuckhome Syndrome. I don’t want to leave the house, the house needs me, I thought it was trying to keep me here, but then I realised the door was not locked, and the chains around my weak ankles were in fact made from Haribo so now I realise I want to be here. The outside world does not need me , the house does. I have cleaned and polished every surface to the point that I can eat my dinner off any surface, though Wotists tend not to be too fussy anyway.
Doctor Intertwit, should I embrace this domestic bliss, or take my chances in Asda, loitering in the cold meats section, and rubbing up against the gondola end of premium cuts?
Peace and love.
Thanks for your question JohnOB.
Self-isolation can be difficult even for the most socially awkward of us and even if we think we don’t like people we probably don’t mind having a few of them about on occasion if they stick within the parameters of “Don’t talk to me, unless I talk to you first and even then I’m really not interested in your answer unless it’s what I’m thinking already”.
To help understand your problem a little more we’ve applied your situation to the not commonly known 7 Stages of Self-Isolation Model…(this has absolutely not very much at all to do with the Kübler-Ross Grief Model which is something completely different).
Shock and Disbelief
“I can’t go and buy Wotsits? What are you saying? I need to lie down. I’m feeling dizzy and somewhat nauseous. Hahahahah, I think I’m hysterical”
“Actually this all b*llocks. I’m off out with a wheelbarrow and a shedload of cash to get Wotsits”
“Jeez, this is all too much. Is this all my fault? I need something to numb this all. Where’s the vodka, methadone and Pickled Onion Monster Munch?”
“F**k this, why this happening to me? This isn’t my fault, this is down to you lot. This isn’t on my watch! Come on then, try and take my maize based snacks off me if you think you’re hard enough!”
Bargaining and Guilt
“Actually this is all my fault. How could I have been so stupid? If only I didn’t love Wotsits so much. I’ll make it up to you, I’ll start cleaning the house.
“I’ve listened to No Surprises by Radiohead 24 times in a row. Just leave me alone. It’s just me and the house now”.
“You know, Wotsits aren’t the only thing in my life. I’m cleaning the house and everything is good. There’s more cheese based snacks out there in the aisles…Cheeselets…Mini Cheddars…Cheese & Onion Crisps”.
So JohnOB, we think you are on about stage 6½. You’ve accepted that Wotsits aren’t the only thing in your life, although they are obviously important to you and indeed all of us. The house has provided you with a welcome distraction and we all love a clean house so well done for embarking on this necessary part of your recovery.
Next you just have to ease up on the cleaning a bit, perhaps concentrate on a small part of the house only like the toilet, kitchen or larder. And if you’re feeling brave enough this will give you time to explore the outside world again as long as you take intertwit’s advice on:
And to a lesser extent
And if you feel like you need an extra little bit of security when you go out then maybe take a part of the house with you like a comforting blanket, rolling pin or toast rack.
We like to take out our favourite brick…
…as it really is a handy bit of security.
So JohnOB, we’d like to hear how you progress over the next few weeks of lockdown so please keep in touch but we think you and Stuckhome Syndrome can be a thing of the past and very soon!
Remember…Be Happy, Stay Safe and Stay Home (unless you have to go out for essential Wotsits).