RE: I’m in prison and I need some help
I’m in prison due to various offences (against goats in the main – but some relate to chickens).
I’ve got the following equipment: a small tube of Colgate toothpaste, a fondue set (with various cheeses – some of them fairly ripe if that helps) and some grapes. The grapes are white. I am expecting a delivery of some red ones next week from Auntie Margaret – that will help I’m sure as they will contain more phytonutrients I’d imagine.
I’d like to escape within 4 days maximum and need to construct a cordless hammer drill (there are no sockets in this room). Needless to say, it will need to constructed from my available resources (as above). Ideally, I’d like it to feature the possibility of 24 torque settings, a comfortable rubber grip area and a key-less chuck (I may be in a rush).
How do I go about this please?
Dear minor twerp
My first reaction was to recommend you a good lawyer but I do not know any.
In the next four days I suggest you ingratiate yourself with the guards and secure a job in the kitchens peeling potatoes. Potatoes are an excellent power source as any of you will know who have received a potato clock for your birthday. This will provide your power source. You will need about 100kg of spuds, preferably Maris Piper or Desiree but definitely not whites or new potatoes, and under no circumstances sweet potatoes: that is just wrong. You will need to wire these in parallel, adding potatoes to up the torque rating as needed, using carefully rolled tin foil purloined from the kitchen, or even better if you can strip the copper out of the local lighting or CCTV circuits. I am sure some of your fellow inmates can advise. While you are in the kitchen you will also need to strip out the motor from a Kenwood chef. It has to be a proper Kenwood chef, not an inferior copy. They are very easy to strip down, service and repair, and I often practice blindfolded so that I can do this even at night, or in your case when it’s lights-out. You now have the motor and the power.
Unless you have a gullible German guard who will provide you a tungsten carbide drill for some of your chocolate ration, or some Wrigley spearmint gum, or bubblicious, or failing that some very ripe Camembert, you will need to fashion a drill bit from your resources. If you have a deluxe fondue set with the tungsten carbide tipped fork you are on a winner here, but those models were only produced briefly post war in Interlaken so this is unlikely. Fortunately the engaging pin on the Kenwood chef is made of an excellent grade of stainless steel, over-engineered many would say, but this is one part you will never have to replace in my experience. Do not forget to put a post it note on the Kenwood chef saying ‘Malo’ which is Spanish for ‘out of order’. This will prevent any suspicion from the head chef.
The engaging pin will prove an excellent substitute for a tungsten carbide drill. It may take longer, but by keeping the tip moist you will prevent overheating.
You may also wish to set up a rudimentary air scarifying system to deal with the dust. I have no personal experience of this but if you request to watch Apollo 13 in the prison cinema there is a full set of instructions hidden into the plot, so pay attention.
I think you are now in a good position to attempt your escape. If it works out, please stay clear of the goats. If it does not, please request that Auntie Margaret conceals a Mikita or Dewalt cordless drill in the red grape delivery, the Thomson variety of grape will provide the best cover. Tell her not to be tempted by the cheaper drills available; they won’t last the job.