In the near future we’ll be off to Shrewsbury Town in the UK for a beer tour. I don’t know that much about the town and I need to get prepared for our visit. I’ve done the basics though. Had my hair cut and bought some new socks.
We’ve been given some “basic” details by the pack/tour leader but I’m concerned he may have left some critical detail about Shrewsbury aside that may be important.
- ethnic diversity
- gender ratios
- key industries/services and other business demographics (ideally using standard SIC)
- underpant/laundry services (industrial ideally)
- do they have a local hospital with an emergency service and what time do they close?
- how should we attire ourselves?
- would it be OK to bring a portaloo with us and wheel it through the town to each drinking establishment – or not
Without this information we may well be ill-prepared which could ruin the trip.
Well yes Minor Twerp, your questions are all valid. I really don’t know what your tour guide was thinking of not giving you all this sort of information. If I was you I would sack him forthwith and replace him with someone more dynamic like Bear Grylls, Michaela Strachan, Thor Heyerdahl (although he’s dead), Ernest Shackleton (also dead) or Jeremy Paxman.
Fortunately for you Minor Twerp, Intertwit.com can come up with some answers…and good ones at that.
Shrewsbury is not very ethnically diverse. At the last census the following was recorded
The leopard population is largely blamed for keeping the sheep population significantly lower than expected.
Religious Denomination: They are quite a worshipful bunch
|Church of England:||67.2%|
|Grand Order of the Leopard:||6.2%|
|Like to stay in bed on a Sunday:||4.7%|
|Church of Wales:||4.4%|
|Church of Scotland:||2.1%|
|Church of the Isle of Man:||1.1%|
|Church of the Isle of Sheppey:||0.1%|
In the United Kingdom there are 102.7 females for every 100 males.
Shrewsbury bucks this trend due to the increasing leopard population who find it easier to catch females than males:
|Transgender:||Not really round these parts|
Shrewsbury’s two main area of economic wealth are helicopters and wool. The Ministry of Defence has a helicopter training centre at nearby RAF Shawbury which is nice.
As for the wool industry the leopards have caused it to be in decline somewhat over recent years.
However there is a Morrisons on Whitchurch Road and the Tourist Information Centre is situated in the Shrewsbury Museum & Art Gallery.
Underpant/laundry services (industrial ideally)
Shrewsbury doesn’t have any of these sorts of things. Locals normally bash the dirt out of their pants with rocks on the banks of the River Severn. If you think about doing this then please remove your dirty underwear first as catching a rock in the groinal region is very painful no matter how soiled your pants are.
Every 6th November, Shrewsburyonians have their own post-Guy Fawkes celebration whereby they burn all their underwear that cannot be cleaned by rocks and water alone. In scenes reminiscent of the 1973 classic horror film “The Wicker Man” the pants are formed into an effigy of a local hero (last year it was Clive Of India, 2016 will be England goalkeeper Joe Hart) and burnt to the ground in an orgy of screaming naked aggression and violence. Once again, please remove your underwear prior to the burning as groinal inflammation is very very painful.
To be honest, I’d avoid Shrewsbury on 6th November if possible.
Do they have a local hospital with an emergency service and what time do they close?
The Royal Shrewsbury Hospital has the only A&E department in the area. Come rain or shine it is open every 3rd Thursday of the month from 9.30am -9.45am. For serious injuries caused by leopards or severe groinal inflammations outside of these times travel westwards for approximately 75 miles until you reach Aberystwyth. They’ll be able to sort you out.
How should we attire ourselves?
The climate of Shrewsbury can be best described as moderate. The highest temperature on record is 34.9 degrees Centigrade in August 1990. Even the leopards couldn’t be bothered to get up that day.
We recommend you wear lightweight clothing with a high showerproof \ splashback rating. Not because of the weather but because the mess you’ll probably be in later in the day
Would it be OK to bring a portaloo with us and wheel it through the town to each drinking establishment – or not?
In 2013 the Aldermen of Shrewsbury passed a byelaw banning the use of all sedan chairs and mobile portaloos following the “floods” that happened that year. A pile up between nine mobile toilets resulted in a near calamitous ecological disaster after the effluent of all the vehicles ran into the River Severn.
So polluted with waste was the river that Bristol was closed for several days when all the dirt and broken bits of portaloo eventually found its way down the river. Bristolians now harbour a deep mistrust for the people of Shrewsbury. Consequently they now hold their own post-Guy Fawkes celebration whereby they build an effigy of a local Shrewsbury hero (last year it was Clive Of India, 2016 will be England goalkeeper Joe Hart) and burn it to the ground in an orgy of screaming naked aggression and violence.
Well I’m sure all this helps Minor Twerp, so have a great time in Shrewsbury, enjoy the beer (which is sure to be great) and stay away from large cats!