RE: Skidmarks

Dear Intertwit,

I appreciate this is a sensitive area and some readers may find it unpalatable. But that aside, I think the whole nation is plagued with this blight.

On certain days, one may find oneself shocked at the state of ones “gusset arena”.  That’s not to say that one hasn’t scrubbed oneself down adequately early morning, mid afternoon and perhaps pre-bedtime,….nor forgotten to wear underwear from the “darker colour pallette”.

I for one am sick of this. I blame the government.

That aside, can you help please.

Minor Twerp Major Twit Asked on 2016-01-09 in It's personal.
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1 Answers

Never let it be said that we shy away from the unpalatable here at Intertwit MinorTwerp.

Your unfortunate problem, while not often discussed in polite conversation at dinner parties, is indeed a common and recognised issue in the UK especially in males in the 47-49 age bracket. (Which is how old I expect you probably are).

You are already right to use the remedial darker pallet underwear to cover up your embarrassment (if you are embarrassed) so you have at least acknowledged you have a problem.

The causes of this problem may however be more difficult to establish so let’s do some investigation.

Do you eat any of the following regularly:

  • Lentils, pulses or beans
  • Bran flakes
  • Piccalilli
  • Shippams salmon paste
  • Sweetcorn (tinned or fresh)

Any one of these food groups (that are incidentally promoted by the government as “healthy”) may cause excessive bowel loosenage which will inevitably result in disastrous underwear skid stainage.

So instead try altering your diet to include the following which will help to slow down and block up your digestive tract:

  • Ringos (all varieties)
  • Discos (not salt and vinegar)
  • Coconut block (solid not diluted)
  • Luncheon meat
  • English muffins
  • Rich Tea or Custard Cream biscuits 

This will definitely help for sure. Honest. Probably. Let us know either way MinorTwerp but don’t bother with any photographic evidence. I’ve just eaten.

On a side note. What to do with all your soiled, ruined and unwearable undergrundies? If you have a Bio-mass fuel converter in your shed out the back then throw them in there for an extra few thousand kilojoules of energy. Eco-tastic!

Chief Twit Answered on 2016-01-10.
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