Brexit – the answers please

Dear Mr Intertwit,

As you know I am approaching being a teenager and my banker parents still don’t like me. Sometimes they slap me in the face for no apparent reason and I say ‘why??’. They say they don’t like my face and it’s not personal.

In addition, Mr Intertwit, they tell me to try working harder so I can make it to the city and pass on all of this to my children.  It’s tough here in the upper classes I can tell you. Daddy asked me about Brexit this evening (resulting in slap number 2) and I realise my knowledge is inadequate. I’ve heard that you can help.

Here’s a very basic question to get us going (and hopefully to avoid slap 3):

As you know Mr Intertwit, Article 50 of the 2009 Lisbon Treaty is all about how a member state leaves the European Union (that’s also called the EU sometimes), with a 2 year period between the member state “triggering” the Article and the day that the state leaves.

That’s all well and good but what about other articles – articles 50+ onwards? Please can you talk me through them to keep slapping down to a minimum. Daddy has had another hard day as bonuses have been sub-6-figures this afternoon. I think I’m in danger.

Regards,

Problem Child

Future Banker

Medium Twit Asked on 9th April 2019 in I'm confused.
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1 Answer(s)

Good to hear from you once again Problem Child. We’re sorry to hear that your parents are being hard taskmasters at the minute but we expect that, in the long run, it will be to your benefit as you tear up the financial world with out any compunction, fear or regard for any other living being.

To the matter in hand then…Brexit.

Brexit, Brexit, Brexit, Brexit, Brexit, Brexit, Brexit, Brexit, Brexit, Brexit, Brexit, Brexit, Brexit, Brexit.

Brexit – A whirlwind of madness and incompetence which has highlighted our political leaders’ highly developed culture of ineffectiveness and inadequacy. Our politicians have displayed a level of ineptitude which we always knew resided within them but was generally kept under wraps by not really having anything important to do most of the time apart from getting involved in the odd war and such.

By and large our politicians have (albeit successfully) demonstrated their immense capacity for shameless self-serving preservation and have tried to drag the rest of us along in a semi-orchestrated parade of lunacy and pointlessness.

It plays on your mind doesn’t it? Brexit, Brexit, Brexit. Every day, all day. Non-Stop…until you become a bit tired of making shit up and you decide to take a 2-week holiday…

But we digress Problem Child. So back to your question and just what are the articles after 50?

 

Well Articles 51 – 59 mainly revolve around standing in contemplation just to make sure what just you did by invoking Article 50 really was the thing to do…

Article 51: Any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should Stand in a Corner of a Small dark room” (less than 15m2) for a period of not less than 1 month but not more than 3 months   

Article 52: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 51, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should Stand in a Corner of a Small dark room while wearing a jaunty capfor a period of not less than 1 month but not more than 3 months  

Article 53: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 52, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should Stand in a Corner of a Small dark room while wearing a jaunty cap and holding a gnarly stickfor a period of not less than 1 month but not more than 3 months

 

Article 54: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 53, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should Stand in a Tin Bath” for a period of not less than 1 month but not more than 3 months  

Article 55: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 54, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should Stand in a Tin Bath full of water” for a period of not less than 1 month but not more than 3 months  

 

Article 56: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 55, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should Stand in a Tin Bath full of water and freshwater piranha” for a period of not less than 1 hour but not more than 3 months

Article 57: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 56, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should Stand in the middle of a busy dual carriageway” for a period of not less than 1 hour but not more than 3 months

 

Article 58: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 57, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should Stand in the middle of a busy Accident & Emergency ward” for a period of not less than 1 hour but not more than 3 months until the bites and on legs and  impact injuries from numerous Road Traffic Accidents are treated.

Article 59: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 58, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should Sit down, have a nice cup of hot, sweet, milky tea and treat yourself two (2) Rich Tea biscuits

 

Articles 51-59 were all carried out under the auspices of a joint UK government and European legislative process.  The conditions of the articles were completed successfully in a bi-partisan and non-political arrangement by ex-Queens Park Rangers and Tottenham Hotspurs football manager Gerry “mullet” Francis and former Royal correspondent Jennie Bond.

 

Articles 60 – 69 may appear even more odd than the 51-59 list but they really are there for a good reason and give credence to the highly important checks and balances that have to be taken into account in the months, years and possibly decades following the Article 50 decision.  They are mostly concerned with running.

 

Article 60: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 59, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should “Run on the spot for a bit until your breathing becomes elevated”

 Article 61: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 60, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should “Run around a field bit until your breathing becomes laboured”

 Article 62: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 61, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should “Run around a field bit until your breathing becomes tachycardic”

 

Article 63: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 62, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should “Run away very fast from a large and hungry dog having been given a 25m headstart

Article 64: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 63, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should “Run away very fast from a very hungry leopard given a 15m headstart

 

Article 65: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 64, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should “Run away very fast from 2 very hungry leopards given a 6m headstart

Article 66: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 65, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should “Run across 50m of flaming hot coals”

 

Article 67: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 66, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should “Run headlong into opposing traffic on a very busy dual-carriageway”

Article 68: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 67, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should “Run headlong into opposing traffic on a very busy dual-carriageway while competing in an egg and spoon race time trial”

Article 69: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 68, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should “Run headlong into opposing traffic on a very busy dual-carriageway while competing in an egg and spoon race time trial over 100m of hungry crocodiles and leopards while being shot at from 8 adjacent grassy knolls”

 

 The conditions of articles 60-66 were completed successfully in a bi-partisan and non-political arrangement by ex-Queens Park Rangers and Tottenham Hotspurs football manager Gerry “mullet” Francis and former Royal correspondent Jennie Bond. Due to near fatal mauling injuries Articles 67-69 have been held in abeyance pending selection of new candidates.

Ex-Treasure Hunt Wondergirl Anneka Rice is 90% certain to take up the vacant reins while former Blue Peter presenter Peter Duncan is holding out for thicker and more flame-retardant clothing.

 Should the member nation complete all the conditions in Articles 51-69 then only Article 70 remains:

 Article 70: Having satisfied the conditions for Articles 51-69, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should Sit down, have a nice cup of hot, sweet, milky tea, treat yourself to three (3) Rich Tea biscuits, decide it’s all been a terrible waste of time and Revoke Article 50. Rewind, Erase and Push Play”

 

Well, we hope that this has cleared a few things up for you Problem Child. Brexit really is a bloody awful shenanigan but thankfully we here at intertwit.com have been able to demonstrate our complete and total grasp of the situation.

  

Chief Twit Answered on 29th April 2019.
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