How to vote this week
Dear Mr Intertwit, As I approach the age of 14 I am becoming more political in my thinking (for example my banker parents are idiots and I’ve expressed this to them – they don’t like it). It’s apparently not ‘PC’ to criticise bankers that leach the country of money. Still, at least they appear to be happy – although they’re not around much. …tend to be in the city or on one of our yachts. This is quite convenient for me actually as I am drinking daddy’s massive back-stock of single malt whisky which I am enjoying before (and after) school. I’m quite loaded now actually. How should I vote this week please in the general election? I need a quick answer as daddy said not to vote anything other than conservative but my hero is Screaming Lord Such of the Monster Raving Loony Party but sadly he died in 1999 leaving me very few alternatives.
By the way, I can’t vote myself due to age but my chauffeur votes on my behalf (so he can’t vote for himself therefore and quite right as he is lower class) so does what I tell him to do – so you answer is critical.
14 eh Problem Child? That’s a difficult age isn’t it? The innocence of your childhood is fast disappearing and hairs are growing in the once silky smooth areas of your body. Not to mention the pustulent and painful acne which will be virulently breaking through in a volcanic mess in the near future. It’ll scar your face for months and years to come.
Back to the election though Problem Child. Who to vote for? We are mildly surprised at your question knowing your prevalence and admiration for the political right wing. Still, as you’ve been partaking of large amounts of finest malt whiskey you may have momentarily softened your Genghis Khan\Mussolini stance and your question, as a result, seems quite genuine.
We have only one piece of advice and that is if you think the current Conservative administration has been doing a marvellous bang on spiffo job then vote for them. If, however, you think that they have perhaps taken their eye off the ball and led us into a disastrous and never-ending cycle of misery and despair where hope is only an abstract convention then perhaps lend your chauffeurs vote somewhere else.
Realistically we predict that the Conservatives will win decisively with a majority of 79 seats. The Labour heartland in the North will crumble and Jeremy Corbyn will go back to gardening, taking pictures of manhole covers and campaigning for Palestinian rights.
The SNP will gain even more ground in Scotland, and the DUP will see setbacks in Northern Ireland. The Welsh do whatever the English do so more Conservative gains there.
In summary, we’ll have another 5 years of Fun Fun Flippin’ Fun or perhaps even more unless the Labour party can come up with a credible alternative anytime in the next decade…
As an interesting side note we are at once happy and dismayed to find that Lord Buckethead (Monster Raving Loony Party) and Count Binface (Independent) are standing in PM Boris Johnson’s constituency of Uxbridge & Ruislip South.
Happy because well look at them…
…but dismayed because if they stood on a joint platform rather than splitting the “alternative” vote then they could have a real chance of power. Well that’s what we think anyway.
We hope this helps Problem Child, try and stay off the whiskey for a while and enjoy your onsetting adolescence/journey into adulthood. Perhaps have a couple of Drambuies to take the edge off things.
We expect you’re off to Europe or Colorado for the Winter sport season soon. In which case we hope you stay safe and don’t have any nasty snowboarding accidents or anything like that…
***Question originally answered at 11.54am on 12th December 2019 but delayed posting due to electoral purdah rules and our internet was down…honest***
Thank you Mr Intertwit,
You’re right that my smooth parts are being replaced with a hideous explosion of billowing blond hair. I see a market opportunity for stuffing pillows with it and selling in one of the local posh shops to very wealthy London ladies that do little else than dress themselves up and drive around in Range Rovers (like my mother).
My face is always scarred – the acne is quite something to behold already (but also from various slaps from my parents for not having ‘come up to standard’ for my future banking or political career). Life is hard in the upper classes.
Your prediction of a 79 seat majority is remarkable. My father (using that now instead of ‘daddy’ due to the smooth part replacement) said 95 so you were much closer. That’s why I want to come and live with you. You should be my father (not biologically speaking of course). It can be arranged. He would pay for it all and perhaps get you out of the misery of living without a massive income?
I shall look further info Lord Buckethead and Count Binface. This will do me well for my future political career. And to confirm….my career projection is this: Finish boarding school -> Eton -> Oxford -> Banking -> Prime Minister -> Banking again -> Lord.
Yes I shall be off on winter sports for a few months or so. My father said (he’s not coming along) try not to break a leg or die.