These boots were made for walking

Dear twits,

I would like to purchase a pair of walking shoes, or boots, but not flip-flops, and over my dead body, slides.

While I am not currently taking walks into the Lake District, the English, or Irish, or even the Italian lakes, I have a hankering. These are all excellent locations, though the recent excellent review in September Beer of the Month would be of most appeal if it was not for the gluten content of the beers, but if they could replace the gluten with elderberries then I could be persuaded. Anyway, I digress.

I would like some footwear that does not look too “Teresa May” if you know what I mean. I also do not want anything that looks like a deck shoe; it’s one step away from  wearing a blazer and saying “calm down, it’s a commercial”.  I do not want to look like some premier league footballer prancing around in one green, one orange slipper that screams “my opinion of myself far exceeds that of the punters wasting their hard earned money on coming to see me on a Saturday just before I head off to a shisha bar to celebrate losing 5 to 1”

I hope you can assist me in my search. I could go to sports  direct and line Mr Ashley’s pockets, or I could just give the money direct to a food bank so that it gets to his staff quicker.

Please help me, I have notoriously weak ankles and do not  want to have to be rescued by the air ambulance every time I stroll up Scafell Pike, Ally Pally, or Hilly Fields.

Peace and love

 

 

Major Twit Asked on 2016-09-25 in Medical.
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2 Answer(s)

I WANDERED lonely as a cloud

That floats on high o’er vales and hills,

When all at once I saw a crowd,

A host, of golden daffodils;

Beside the lake, beneath the trees,

Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Walking is great. It’s better than running but maybe not as good as getting on a bicycle or driving a Lamborghini. Either way, William Wordsworth wouldn’t have been as happy prancing about vales and hills if he hadn’t have been wearing a sturdy pair of walking boots. In 1804 this was the sort of walking boot that WW would definitely have been wearing (maybe):

boot1  boot2

Continuous as the stars that shine

And twinkle on the milky way,

They stretched in never-ending line

                                      Along the margin of a bay:                                 

Ten thousand saw I at a glance,

Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

John O’B, from your query it looks as if you want to a bit of walking but not too much. You don’t want end up like Ranulph Fiennes with frostbitten and decimated toes but you do want to engage in the occasional “sprightly dance”. What you want is a starter boot, easy on the eye and wallet and supportive in the ankle.

Something like this:

boot3

Retailing at some pounds and pence this Hi-tec boot shoe thing is available everywhere. They’re perfunctory. Satisfactory. They’ll do. If that’s what you want….

The waves beside them danced; but they

Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:

A poet could not but be gay,

In such a jocund company:

I gazed–and gazed–but little thought

What wealth the show to me had brought:

 Of course if you had unlimited wealth you might want something like these actual gold-plated nightmares:

boot4

But your name is not Kanye West or even Mike Ashley and if it was you’d have paid someone to do the walking for you. And that wouldn’t keep you very jocund would it?

For oft, when on my couch I lie

                               In vacant or in pensive mood,                              

They flash upon that inward eye

Which is the bliss of solitude;

And then my heart with pleasure fills,

And dances with the daffodils.

 

Ok, let’s be honest JohnO’B we could trawl through boot reviews for months and we’d still not find anything suitable….

 So then it is with a great and profound pleasure that Intertwit.com have decided to cut through all the confusion and release onto the market our very own bipedal lifestyle leisure and workplace perambulation solution.

Let us introduce you to The Daffodil 1400 series !

daffodil-1400

Click on the picture to enlarge or there’s a pdf version here.

And here are its key features!

♦  Made entirely from 100% recycled daffodils, the Intertwit Daffodil 1400 is a revolutionary ecologically sound concept in walk wear.  That also means they’re biodegradable and you don’t need to worry about the environment when chucking them away!

♦  They’ve got a Rugged Tread to help you grip in even the most challenging of terrains (like when you’re coming back from the pub and you’ve had a few it’s been raining and it’s a bit slippy)!

♦  They’ve got a Daffodil Holder just like the Volkswagen Beetle – except this is better because it’s on your boot!

♦  And flipping heck, what about the Compass Locator Preset Initiator?!?!?!?!?This feature will allow you to preset any geo-location on the planet into the Daffodil 1400’s onboard computer. When activated the CLPI will emit a loud screeching noise similar to a barn owl attacking a weasel if you happen to take a wrong turn! Brilliant! Now you’ll be able to get home, go down the pub or your local Budgens from anywhere in the world.

♦  And if you get a bit tired on your walks then just flick on the Go Faster Lightning Bolt Activator! The Daffodil 1400 will rev up its small electric motors and you’ll be walking upto and (if you’re walking downhill towards a cliff edge) in excess of 7mph in no time at all. Jesus! It’s bloody great!!! Your ankles are saved John O’B

The Intertwit Daffodil 1400 will be retailing at a petrol station near you very soon for about a tenner!

*Please note the CLPI & GFLBA functions are driven by the Daffodil 1400 onboard computer which is in turn powered by 2 normal sized car batteries. This we’re sure you’ll agree will give you all the flexibility, convenience and freedom that this bipedal lifestyle leisure and workplace perambulation solution suggests!

 We can’t wait for you to try these out JohnO’B so we’ll send you a pair free, gratis and fer nowt right now. Expect them through the post very soon – we can’t wait to hear what you think of them!

 

 

Chief Twit Answered on 2016-09-27.
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Dear Hertford Twit,

Once again Intertwit has not disappointed me and you have sourced some tasty boots, some would say bootylicious, but not me as I am not 14 years old.

To add to this you have designed me a bespoke pair of boots that are both tasteful, modest, innovative and environmentally friendly which pretty well sums me up.

I am really looking forward to taking delivery of these. I imagined a cutting edge enterprise like Intertwit will deliver them by a drone or vacuum tube into my pantry, but then I though it would make more sense to simply  programme the CLPI and the GFLBA to walk to my house with the boots filled with enough batteries for the journey. You guys are genius. My neighbours will be so impressed when they see my Daffodil 1400s trotting down the road. Just watch out for the dog mess outside number 86.

Must rush, I need to write a sycophantic letter to Waitrose magazine saying how amazing the recipe for choux pastry was in last months edition; the book club were so amazed with my éclairs ( that should win me the Dualit toaster)

peace and love

 

Major Twit Answered on 2016-09-30.
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