tolerant film makers
I am putting together a film, with a working title of The Grammar School of Curious Intolerant Children, and intend to set it in your xenophobic little island as making a film in Spanish would be totes loco, and my intern researchers have failed to identify if Judi Dench speaks Español.
It will tackle the difficult subject of food intolerance, which is, how you say, bang on trend. It will be humorous and light hearted with probably Hugh Grant as the headmaster or maybe a bit darker with Vinny Jones or Ian McShane.
I have done some research on what a traditional English school looks like and I have concluded the following;
•all girl schools have a headmaster in drag, with dubious characters lurking in the bushes with betting slips while the staff and pupils carry out illegal but well intentioned capers.
•for mixed schools, it is only accessible by way of a steam train from a concealed platform at Kings Cross to transport you to a wholly unlikely establishment obsessed with sorcery, so probably some ropey creationist free school.
There are not many films about all boy schools so I was hoping you could enlighten me as to the way of education in these secretive establishments. These mystical places surely produce your country’s leaders of industry where they develop skills through Latin, rugby and chess.
I will be working on my script so welcome all suggestions from Intertwit experts.
¿ can you help me, por favour?
paz y amor
Hi there Los Tobillos, it’s good to hear from you again and also great news to hear about your new and exciting cinematic venture.
Schooldays have of course been a subject that have been covered with various degrees of success over the years in the UK and you’ve obviously pretty much cottoned onto the general gist of them in your question. Here’s a few of our favourites films of the genre:
1935 – Good Bye Mr Chips
The story of a teachers life in a minor public school starring the always excellent Robert Donat. A gentle and sentimental piece of whimsy that always make us cry.
1968 – If
The mental story of a revolution that takes place in a minor public school starring the always deranged Malcolm McDowell. God knows what it’s all about. A sociological study piece for sure.
Scum – 1979
Not exactly tea and crumpets here and life in a young offenders institute in the 1970’s doesn’t actually seem that fun. Ray Winstone is the lead so fill in the blanks yourself.
2006 – The History Boys
Written by Alan Bennett it’s about the struggle to get some kids into the Oxbridge universities. It’s got James Corden in it so that’s a shame.
All good stuff for you to watch if you’ve not seen them Los Tobillos but they are in the past and you will need a new angle if you want to win an Oscar, BAFTA or TV Choice award with “Grammar School of Curious Intolerant Children”.
It is however your lucky day! It just so happens some of the staff here at intertwit actually went to school and, furthermore, several of them went to an all boys school!
Single sex schools are often accused of blind indoctrination, mental cruelty and quite large amounts of physical brutality. Despite that our chaps seems to be quite normal although none of them has a girlfriend and 2 of them didn’t speak to a lady until they were 24. The other one sits in a corner rocking gently from side to side but he’s one of the techies and that appears to be default state for them no matter their educational background.
Anyway, we’ve come up with a couple of hilarious schoolboy related scenarios that may or may not have really happened in a real English boys school…
♦ It’s lunchtime and it’s raining at school today and all the boys have been let into the gym to dry out. Some mildly boisterous and good natured horseplay is however mistaken by one the more psychotic PE teachers as the outbreak of a Lord of the Flies style breakdown in society. As such the teacher decides everybody is behaving like “Animals!!!” and therefore the boys should dress as “Animals!!!”. Cue 5 minutes of approximately 150 boys awkwardly undressing down to their underwear while the teacher looks on. The bell goes for the end of lunch and everyone gets dressed to go to lessons. Nothing is ever said of it again. Ever.
Intertwit’s suggestion for the role: Christopher Walken
♦ It’s Games time! But one of the kids has mischievously forgotten his shorts. No worries because one of the psychotic PE teachers has a woodwork apron that the child can wear instead. Cue to shot of large overweight boy wearing a rugby shirt, socks, football boots and a woodwork apron engaging in a pointless death march \ cross-country run. The boy is sobbing uncontrollably as he makes his way round the course. The teacher idly scratches his testicles (his own testicles fortunately) in satisfaction of a job well done.
Intertwit’s suggestion for the teacher role: Dennis Hopper
♦ It’s a Day Trip To France! Follow the boys on the annual 5th form (year something in modern parlance) day trip to Calais where they try to make use of their GCSE French lessons to buy training shoes, flick knives, bangers and cheap wine. See how the teachers cope with 30 completely drunk (and in some cases soiled) under age teens while simultaneously trying to think of excuses why they were not to blame for not being able to control their charges.
Intertwit’s suggestion for the teachers roles: Shane Ritchie, Amanda Holden, Su Pollard, Willem Defoe
♦ A teacher (could be priest) slaps a boy repeatedly in the face and sends him for a weeks detention for being insolent because he can’t understand how to pronounce the boy’s foreign surname. Just like the 1970’s sitcom “Mind Your Language”!
Intertwit’s suggestion for the role: Mrs Brown out of “Mrs Brown’s Boys”.
We reckon all of these absolutely hilarious (and possibly true) scenarios could somehow find its way into your film Los Tobillos. If they do can we come to premiere? And can we sit next to Myleene Klass? She’s always at these sort of those things.
I am impressed that you have survived your school, or gulag as I have read in the historical records.
It has inspired me to come up with a film script which will have the Hollywood moguls beating a path to my door, on their knees, with bags of freely convertible currency and promising me all the exotic foodstuff that you associate with gold plated success.
A group of year 12 (5th year in old money) are gathered by the bike rack, and there are many bikes, as the nation has embraced the two wheeled mode of transport as cars are legally evil, and fossil fuelled vehicles are condemned to the scrap heap, or the Isle of Man, which has become a dystopian setting of man v machine v very tight corners with unforgiving stone walls.
The boys are passing round their vapes, comparing caramel vs latte, vs panini flavours. The more flamboyant are creating huge plumes of aromatics, while the shy but adventurous are keen to be seen near to the in-crowd with their vanilla or mint starter kits.
The older kids are toying with stronger flavours, frangipani and Black Forest. At this point the PE teacher walks by, and recommends a few new flavours he has been trying out that has helped the badminton team; echinacea and milk thistle.
They all laugh heartily and everything is just amazing and………………..then……….the colour fades out of the faces of the children, the smiles become looks of horror, the sky blackens and the clocks rewind to 2016, the Year that the Clocks Went Back.
It is now a few years later. The child, let’s call him Toby, does not want to go to school, but his dad says he has to, and today is Wednesday which is games day, so he must make sure he has all his kit as well his his inhalers or he will be shipped off to the Home for the Carnal Benefit of MPs and DJs. He double checks his gym kit; can’t be too careful. He has his gluten, lactose, and nut free packed lunch ready. When he joined the Grammar School of Curious Intolerant Children, those were the happy days, but then 2016 happened.
His father had explained to him The Year that the Clocks Went Back. Up until 2016 the world was becoming more tolerant towards those with eating disorders with even leading pizza chains offering gluten free alternatives, and the country showed tolerance to those of differing sexual persuasion. Racism was absolutely NOT bang on trend, disability was embraced and people even whispered about equal pay for women, though this may have been a little too ambitious. Then in 2016 everything changed. Sexism was ok, racism was positively encouraged, tax evasion became a part of the curriculum and basement conversions including a swimming pool, cinema, snug and nuclear fallout shelter became de rigueur. One benefit though was that the PPE degree was rendered obsolete, as any fat orange twat with no experience of politics could rock up and get a job in politics.
And so the course of history was changed. Toby has his special lunch, he definitely has his games kit and inhalers, and he checks his Geiger counter to see if the levels are safe to make the journey through the underground tunnels to school.
Did I mention the nuclear fallout?
paz y amor
Sounds like an entirely fabulous artistic endeavor there Lostobilos! 2016 truly has been a fabulous year what with all the famous people dying, unlikely electoral results and Leicester City winning the league.
Let us know where we can crowdfund you immediately!
Remember to save us the seat next to Myleene! (Rachel Riley would also be acceptable).