EPISODE 6 – This is the End
KH & KF are at the Zoo. Cut to a sign that says GIANT PANDA ENCLOSURE
KF: I love giant pandas Kev. They’re so cute and cuddly.
KH: Kev, I hate them. They are bloody useless and as for being cute and cuddly they’d rip your face off in a second…if they could be arsed of course. Look at them for God’s sake. Sitting about waiting for the next idiot zookeeper to come along and feed them a half-ton of bamboo shoots. They’re absolutely useless I tell you. They wouldn’t last 5 minutes on their own. Bloody bastards.
KF: You feel quite strongly about this don’t you Kev.
KH: Yes I flippin’ do. Look at that bastard there. Yang bloody Yang. The zoo flew over a female panda, Ying Ying, 8000 miles from bloody China about 2 months ago so they could create another bloody panda. Problem is Yang bloody Yang can’t even be arsed to crawl 20 yards for a shag. She’s been in there 2 months and he’s just sitting on his arse wondering where his next bamboo shoot is coming from.
KF: Maybe he doesn’t fancy her Kev.
KH: What do you mean “doesn’t fancy her”. Apparently Ying flamin’ Ying is the Kelly Brook of the panda world.
KF: Hey, thought you wouldn’t mention that name again.
KH: Sorry Kev, sometimes I get a vision in my mind of radiators and underwear….Any way, where was I? Yeah, what’s not to fancy?? She’s a bloody panda, he’s a bloody panda. Lazy bastard! And she’s just as bad. She’s hardly moved since she got off the plane. That’s got to be the world’s longest occurrence of jetlag in history. What’s the point?? I say leave the lot of them to their own devices and let’s see how long they last. BASTARDS!
KF: Maybe coming to the zoo wasn’t such a good idea after all. Just thought we might get a break from all the Kevin coincidences. The email, Costner, The Kelly Brook thing, Spacey, Bacon and Footlose (music starts up again). You know my knee has just got back to normal after the shooting and dancing incidents.
Cut to a scene of general hubbub and commotion by the panda enclosure. A group of men are holding a banner that reads
KEVINS AGAINST PANDAS!
THEY’RE ALL BLOODY BASTARDS!
SEND THEM BACK TO THE WILD AND SEE HOW LONG THEY LAST!
All the men appear to be called Kevin: Costner, Spacey, Keegan, Bacon, Kline, Sorbo (in Hercules outfit), Federline, Rowland (in dungarees), Jonas, Keegan
They are all chanting: “PANDAS OUT, PANDAS OUT, BLOODY BASTARDS, PANDAS OUT”
KF: That’s not something you see every day is it now. Looks like you’re not the only Kevin who gets upset by pandas.
Just then, a shapely woman wearing just a Panda print bikini and high heels appears by KF & KH. It’s Kelly Brook and she is angry.
KB: (addressing KF) What did you say? Are you part of that group of Kevin’s who hate pandas? You bloody bastard!
Kelly Brook shoves KF quite hard, he stumbles and falls over the railings into the panda enclosure. As quick as a flash, Yang Yang scuttles over and rips KF’s face off with one movement of his large paw.
KH: I knew they could do that. Vicious.
Yang Yang continues to fatally maul KF as the protest Kevins run off in all directions.
KH: And I thought they were vegetarians… KB: Yes, that is surprising isn’t it. That Kevin was your flatmate Kevin wasn’t he?
KH: Yes, he’ll be a great loss. He was a great guy. Did he ever tell you about the time there was confusion with an email at work?
KB: No he didn’t.
KH: Shame, it was hilarious. Then there was an incident with Kevin Costner. And then a time when Kev was shot in knee by a Sardinian- North london crime family who were looking for Kevin Spacey. That was good. And then the Kevin Bacon and Footloose thing too (music starts up again). They were all hilarious.
KB: That does sounds hilarious and confusing all at the same time Kevin. Was there ever any confusion or hilarity with me Kevin? You remember that time with the toner cartridge don’t you?
KH: Confusing? Hilarious? Toner Cartridge? With you? No. Never. Not at all. No way. There was no confusion or hilarity at all. Not at all. None whatsoever.
KB: That’s OK then.
KH: Oh well, at least on a positive note at there’ll be less confusion on the Kevin front in future!
KH: Is your radiator still playing up Kelly?
KB: Yes it is Kev. Can you come up and have a look? I’m feeling really hot too. As if I’ve got too many clothes on.
KH: Let’s go.
24 MINUTES THEME TUNE – a drum solo by Bill Bruford when he was in King Crimson