The Two Kevins – Series 2
Episode 1 – Beyond Our Ken
Keen followers of The Two Kevins will only be too aware of how Series 1 ended with Kevin F being fatally mauled by a vicious and unusually highly motivated panda bear.
Series 2 opens looking at the classified ads in a newsagent’s window close to the Two One Kevins Flat…
Cut to the Two One Kevin’s flat, the news is on the television:
TV: …and because the victim was so badly facially disfigured a positive identification has yet to be established. The Police have only been able to name the victim as “Kevin”.
It’s not all bad news though as the Panda bear, Ding Ding, has been given a big crate of bamboo shoots, a cup of tea and some Mr Kipling French Fancies. Aww…isn’t he cute. Now to the weather with Tomas Schafferknacker. Tomas, was it a nice day to visit the zoo today?”
Kevin H (who is sitting next to Kelly Brook) turns off the TV.
Kelly B: Kev, do you think you’ve been a bit quick off the mark with putting up Kev’s room for rent? I mean he’s only been dead two hours.
Kev H: Well there’s no time like the present Kelly and the room won’t pay for itself. You wouldn’t want to move in would you? There’s plenty of room for all your underwear and bikinis and you can bring your other underwear model friends round anytime. And the radiators work as well although I’m sure I could break them if necessary…
Kelly B: Well that’s very sweet of you Kev but I think I’d better go. Since the incident this afternoon two hours ago at the zoo I’ve been thinking very hard and have decided to revaluate my purpose in life. Yes that’s right, I’m going dedicate my life to panda bears. I’m going to China to live in a commune and teach pandas about the dangers of tearing someone’s face off. Thanks for all the help with my radiators and printers but I’ve got to go and pack my underwear. Bye now!
Kevin H: Bloody hell, I didn’t expect that. I really, really hate panda bears.
There is a knock at the door which Kevin H answers. A man in a black outfit and holding a large wok is at the door.
Ken Hom: Hi there I’ve just seen your advert in the local newsagent about a room to rent. My name is Ken Hom, the internationally famous wok expert, and I need somewhere to live while my new restaurant , “Wok’s Up”, is being built round the corner. I’m taking over the KFC. Cooking in a wok is much healthier than fried chicken you know.
KH: Well I like KFC so that’s a shame and ideally I would like a flatmate called Kev…
Ken Hom: Oh, I thought the advert said “Ken”. That’s my name you know. It certainly looks like Ken in the newsagent. You ought to be careful with your handwriting in future…
KH: I typed it.
Ken Hom: Well that’s by the by, you ought to be careful about causing unnecessary confusion. Us Ken’s are sensitive types and we don’t cope well with confusion. Oh well, not to worry, I can always sleep on the floor in the KFC. Don’t forget to come in when we’re open.
KH: Will you be serving fried chicken in a cardboard bucket?
Ken Hom: That’s unlikely.
KH: Shame. Oh well, thanks for your interest in the room. I’ll be in touch if I can’t find any suitable Kev’s. I know where you’ll be.
Kev H closes the door. There is another knock at the door
A vaguely familiar man is at the door. It’s Ken Barlow off Coronation Street
Ken B: Hi there, I used to have a real name but everyone knows me as Ken Barlow off Coronation Street. I’ve been Ken Barlow for so long I’ve actually forgotten what my real name is.
Kev H: Isn’t is Bill Roache?
Ken B: …hmm…Bill…Roache….no don’t recognise that name. I’m Ken Barlow off Coronation Street. And that’s why I’ve come round. My name is Ken and I saw your advert in the newsagent for flatmates called Ken…
Kev H: It actually said “Kev”…
Ken B: Well the handwriting looks like “Ken”
Kev H: I typed it.
Ken B: Well that’s by the by. I’ve seen Ken in the advert and that’s my name…
Kev H: No it’s not, your name is Bill. William. William Roache.
Ken B: It’s Ken. My name is Ken. Ken Barlow. I’ve got a picture of me and my wife Deirdre. Look.
Ken shows Kev a picture of Ken Barlow and his screen wide Deirdre.
Kev H: Well Bill that’s a nice picture of you, Bill Roache the actor, playing the soap character Ken Barlow with Anne Kirkbride the actress, playing the soap character Deirdre Hunt\Langton\Barlow\Baldwin\Rashid\Barlow.
Ken B looks wistfully at the picture…
Ken B: Yes, it’s a nice picture isn’t it? I don’t think this will work will it Kev. Me moving in here? We need time apart. I’m not the Ken for you.
Kev H: I was actually looking for someone called Kev if possible…
Ken B: No, don’t say anymore. The pain is too great.
Ken B turns away walks a few strides and looks back at Kev.
Ken B: Is there anywhere I can get some food round here?
Kev H: Well there’s a place called “Wok’s Up” round the corner which may be open. You’ll like the chap who runs it.
Kev H shuts the door
Kev H: What the f**k was that all about? Ken? I typed the ad!
There is another knock at the door.
Kev H: Jesus, that better not be Kenny Rogers or Kenneth Williams or Kenny Dalglish or Kenneth flaming Branagh.
Kev opens the door to see a 6 foot panda bear at the door. The bear appears to have a card in his mouth….The kind of card you normally see in a newsagents window. Kev faints.
22 minute drum solo by Brian Downey of Thin Lizzy
Series 2? Do you mean there was a Series 1??? Yes there was! Revisit here!