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      The Two Kevins – Series 2 Episode 5


      Pandas Redux

      The 2 Kevs’s are back in their flat. Drinking.


      Kev H: How’s the Blue Nun going down Kev?

      Kev F: It really rather pleasant Kev. And its cloying sweetness is beautifully offset by this massive bag of cheese and onion crisps. How’s the beer?

      Kev H: Well the lambic mango sherbet yeasted maltiness is an acquired taste for sure but as it’s 9.2% strong it’s getting me pretty hammered. Hammered to point that I think I must be hallucinating Kev.

      Kev F: That’s a bonus. Are you seeing anything good?

      Kev H: Well that’s depends if you like large black and white bears. Because I think I can see a couple over by the radiator.

      Kev F: I thought that was just the anti-freeze in my high-quality German wine because I think I’ve been seeing them for the past 20 minutes as well.

      Kev H: Well there’s a thing.


      There is a knock at the door. Kev H opens it to find a scruffy gypsy-ish kind of chap wearing denim dungarees, black plimsolls and a beret. He has curly hair and a moustache.


      Kev F: Who is it Kev?

      Kev H: I think it’s David Essex. You know when he used to dress up like a gypsy and travel on a narrow boat.

      Kevin Rowland: I’m not David Essex, I’m Kevin Rowland out of Dexy’s Midnight Runners.

      Kev H: Oh yeah, so you are. Kev, it’s not David Essex when he used to dress up like a gypsy and travel on a narrow boat. It’s Kevin Rowland out of Dexy’s Midnight Runners. Although he does look a bit like David Essex.

      Kev R: No I don’t.

      Kev F: What does he want?

      Kev H: I’ll ask. Are you after anything in particular Dave…errr sorry Kev.

      Kev R: No not really, just in the area and wondered if you wanted any odd jobs done? You know, sharpen your knives, clean your chimney, teach a foreign language, boil your cats, hoover your pandas. That sort of thing. I’m not on tour at the moment so just like to keep busy.

      Kev H: …errr no I think we’re Ok really for that sort of thing. Did you say hoover your pandas?

      Kev R: I notice you’re both called Kevin. I’m called Kevin too. What a coincidence. Did you know that Kevin is the anglicized version of the Middle-Irish Caoimhghín?

      Kev H: Caoimhghín? How do you pronounce that?

      Kev R: How do you pronounce Caoimhghín? It’s tricky, but all you need to do is say Caoimhghín. Caoimhghín. You have a go.

      Kev H: Caoimhghín.

      Kev R: Not quite. Caoimhghín.

      Kev H: Caoimhghín.

      Kev R: Better. Caoimhghín.

      Kev H: Caoimhghín.

      Kev R: Oooh nearly. Caoimhghín.

      Kev H: Caoimhghín.

      Kev R: Perfect. You’re speaking Irish. That’ll be a tenner please.

      Kev H: Eh, I’m not sure I asked for an Irish lesson? Hang on though, let’s get back to the pandas. Did you say you hoover pandas?

      Kev R: I might have done. My services and skills are many and varied. I can see however that you do happen to have a couple of the aforementioned vermin…err… bears over there by your radiator. I’ll just pop them in the back of my van and I’ll spruce them up for you if you like. In fact, I would think that keeping a couple of pandas is probably a bit of a bind in a 2 bed flat so I’ll do you a favour and take them off your hands for a tenner. So we’ll call it quits shall we because of the Irish lesson. I’ll just ask my assistant to bring up the barrow. Dave? Dave, bring up the barrow will you? The panda sized one.


      David Essex appears! With a large panda-sized wheelbarrow.

      Kev F comes to the door to see what going on


      Kev F: (To David Essex) Wow, you really do look like David Essex!

      David Essex: I am David Essex. Rock On!

      Kev F:  I thought you were Kevin Rowland out of Dexy’s Midnight Runners?

      Kev R: That’ll be me.

      DE: I’m David Essex. Rock On!

      Kev F: Wow. I love David Essex! I used to have all your records Dave! What about Shang-A-Lang? That was great!

      DE: That was the Bay City Rollers.

      Kev F: Was it? Well I really liked My Koo-Ka-Choo. That was brilliant!

      DE: That was Alvin Stardust. Rock On! That was mine. DE begins to sing Rock On… “Hey Kid, Rock n’ Roll, Rock on!”

      Kev F: Err…Don’t remember that one. Ballroom Blitz?

      DE: No, that was The Sweet.

      Kev R: Did you have any of my records? You know by Dexy’s Midnight Runners? Everyone thought I was called Dexy, but my name is Kevin. Or Caoimhghín if you prefer the Middle Irish version.

      Kev H: Caoimhghín?

      Kev R: Not quite. Caoimhghín.

      Kev F: Caoimhghín?

      Kev R: Better. Caoimhghín.

      Kev F: Caoimhghín.

      Kev R: Oooh nearly. Caoimhghín.

      Kev H: Caoimhghín.

      Kev R: Perfect. You’re speaking Irish. That’ll be a tenner please. So did you have any of my records?

      Kev F: No I don’t think I did Caoimhghín.

      Kev R: Very good, you’re a quick learner. What, none of them?

      Kev F: Not at all. None of them. Not on LP, single, flexidisc or 8 track cartridge.

      Kev R: Really? Not even Geno? Everyone loves that surely? It’s got a great brass sound!

      Kev F: …mmm…no not really.

      Kev R: Come on Eileen? You’ve gotta love that one. They always play it at weddings.

      Kev F: No. Really dislike that one because they always play it at weddings.

      Kev R: Oh. That’s disappointing as like everyone else I can’t remember anything after them two either. (sighs heavily). Anyway all this yakking won’t get these pandas shifted.


      A shrieking voice is heard from flat above…

      Kelly Brook: …Noooooo!!!!


      A fulsome and shapely young lady wearing just a bikini and high heels comes running down the stairs…


      Kelly Brook: You stay away from them you pair of faux-gypsy panda- stealing narrowboaters!!!!



      19 minute drum solo by Carl Palmer when he was in Emerson, Lake & Palmer









      All the other Two Kevins episodes here!

      4 Comments on this article

      • OnionTerror 2018-11-29

        It was alright, but I liked the punching in episode 4.


      • BobMunkee 2018-11-29

        Well, at least we didn’t have to wait 15 months for this episode.

        And I suppose there was a plot of sorts.

        Pleased to see that there are still no jokes though.


      • BingoCaracas 2018-11-29

        I don’t mind David Essex but I prefer David Cassidy, especially when he was in the Brady Bunch.


      • BingoCaracas 2018-11-29

        …or was it The Partridge Family?

        Or was that Donny Osmond?


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