RE: Beard wrangling.

Dear Intertwit

I’ve been growing a beard for awhile now and I’ve noticed that the longer it gets the more like a hairy tramp I look. Do you have any advice on how I can wrangle the hairy beast that now lurks under my chin?

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1 Answers

HairyJim, beards are here to stay aren’t they? They became popular during the recent financial crisis when razor blade prices spiralled prohibitively out of control. This in turn gave an excuse to slackers across the world to sprout forth and multiply and look like Edwardian Arkansas backwoodsmen.

Not that this applies to you I’m sure HairyJim. You just want to have a healthy chin and stop people throwing their spare change into your hat.

I assume that you have employed the standard “washing with soap and water” approach without much success and you’ve probably even tried banging your beard about with a rock to knock out the detritus and rubble contained therein.

I also expect that you’ve looked at the numerous new fangled products that are now available to the everyday beard wearer. I’m thinking here of Beard & Shoulders Beard Shampoo and Grizzly Adams’ range of beard oils that can be employed on man and bear alike. But these are expensive HairyJim and we like to take a more holistic and eco-friendly approach here at Intertwit.

So, instead we reckon that you, HairyJim, can achieve maximum beard cleanliness by employing one of these little fellows.


No, not the crocodile! Although I suppose it would probably remove the beard cleaning problem in a thrice it would also almost certainly result in the removal of your head. This would make things tricky for you at work and in certain social situations I expect.

No, I’m talking about the bird that is sitting in the mouth of the crocodile – The Egyptian Plover.

The Egyptian plover and the Nile crocodile engage in a wonderful symbiosis. The plover sits in the croc’s mouth cleaning, picking and eating the dead flesh from between the reptile’s teeth and the crocodile is kept free from mouth infection and tooth decay. The plover in return receives a free feed and looks the coolest bird on the Nile.

So, procure yourself an Egyptian Plover HairyJim and allow it to nest in your beard. Within a matter of days you will have:

  • A marvellous symbiotic relationship
  • A well fed bird
  • A weevil free beard

And plovers are cheap (Ha! A joke too!) But if you don’t want to buy one, simply position yourself in the nearest river so your head is just above the water, open your mouth and let nature take its course.

Good luck HairyJim! Your beard is saved! Although you may miss the loose change…

Chief Twit Answered on 2016-01-23.
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