RE: How do I become an Alpha Male?

Dear Intertwit,

I’ve been watching several nature programs by David Attenborough. It appears to me that in virtually all primate species there is an Alpha Male. Humans too.

I live in a household that comprises me and and 19 other females (admittedly – wife and daughters aside the rest of them are animals that live in the garden – but still I’m outnumbered whichever way you look at it).

I’ve tried various techniques but I seem to be under the cosh.

Most recently I painted my rear area red (baboon style) to exhibit my dominance for example. Sadly though it didn’t go that well because it turns out the callous swellings on the ass of baboons just gives them a good surface to sit on and is mainly related to females around ovulation.

I was ignored accordingly.

What do you recommend?

Minor Twerp Major Twit Asked on 2016-01-16 in I'm confused.
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1 Answers

Dear Minor Twerp, what I wouldn’t recommend is painting my arse red. But you’ve gone and done that now and while you’re able to sit comfortably, if conspicuously, around the rocks in the commune that you appear to live in I’d wager 2 bob to a pound that you’ve made yourself look rather silly in front of your female population.

There maybe, however, a way back for you where you’ll be able to carve out an important place in your female oriented society. I’m not promising you’ll be top of the pile – your wife and daughters will always rule the roost so to speak – but I reckon we might be able propel you to around 6th or 7th in the pecking order depending on the size and intelligence of the livestock you have.

The first thing to do is to procure yourself these items:

beltwithtools hard hat

A utility belt stuffed with tools and gadgets will give you the air and appearance of someone who knows what they are doing and even if you can’t tell the right end of a hammer from the wrong one you’ll look like someone who is comfortable with fixing things when they go wrong – a chap who knows things. The belt will also hold your trousers up so no one can see your red arse.

The hard hat will convey a sense of something dangerous going on– “Stand clear, I’ll deal with this. You don’t have a hat on”. You’ll also look dead butch.

Next, walk round your house when no one is looking, “breaking” things that you can then later fix. Take a fuse out of a hairdryer plug. Unscrew a door handle so it is loose to the touch. Take a cable out the back of the computer. When reports fill the house of broken appliances and lights not working, you’ll be on hand with your utility belt and hard hat to fix the very problem you have created! Within no time at all you’ll become indispensable to the group as the man who fixes things when they go wrong. No longer will you be the red-arsed buffoon sitting in the garden trusted only with grooming the weasels. You’ll probably be allowed indoors or at least have access to a shed with a roof.

Knowledge is power Minor Twerp and unless your wife is some sort of engineer who is able to see through this ploy (this would be unlucky) I look forward to an update from you in the very near future confirming your new found sense of purpose, esteem and well-being.





Chief Twit Answered on 2016-01-17.
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