RE: How to grow a mullet?

Dear Intertwit,

I’d like to grow a mullet. I’ve got a feeling they’re going to be popular again in the near future, and due to the lead time I want to get cracking now. I want to be one step ahead of the game.

The only problem I have is that my hair refuses to grow beyond a certain length.  I’m also not a professional footballer.

Can you help with my dilemma please?

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2 Answers

Andrew, you are right on many points here.

  • Yes, mullets will be making a comeback in 2016
  • Err…maybe just one point then

Anyway, let’s see what Intertwit can do to grow your hair into a luscious mullet like these 2 beauties:

                             mullet2                    mullet1

From your question it sounds as if you are afflicted with the increasingly common “Can’t Grow Hair Beyond My Collar (CGHBMC)” syndrome. This disease can affect males at any age although it is especially prevalent in men in the 47-49 age range which I expect you are in.

The CGHBMC syndrome strikes individuals at random but some medical studies have intimated that it can especially affect those who are abnormally weak in the lower body area – also known as the legs. I expect you also fall into this category as well.

Well what can you do to stop this sorry state of affairs Andrew? Well it’s quite simple really. What you need to do is attach small weights to your hair thereby forcing your follicles to grow in an unstoppable downward trajectory. Be careful not to attach too much weight (such as bags of sugar) as this will cause your hair to be literally ripped from your skull. This will be painful and your mullet dreams will just be that – dreams.

Hair improvement guru Alberto Balsam recommends that CGHBMC sufferers tie several hundred jojoba nuts to their hair. He would say this as he owns the world’s largest jojoba nut planation in Guatemala and several hundred nuts would probably cost you £3-4000. So I would instead suggest you use something of a similar weight such as used AAA batteries. Make sure the batteries are not leaking as the acid contained inside will burn your scalp. Once the batteries have been tied to your hair for about 3-4 months your hair will naturally begin to grow downwards thereby allowing your barber to shape your hair in the desired mullet you need and deserve.

Let us know how you get on Andrew and send us a picture when everything has worked out to your mulleticious delight!



Chief Twit Answered on 2016-01-04.
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