RE: off shore investmnent advice please


I am the prime minister of a prominent G8 country, who must remain nameless, who is looking to invest a large amount of money off shore. My only requirements are absolute  discretion, a non-ethical portfolio, and at least 5% return and the dividends to be paid in small notes of freely convertible currency, juts not Sterling or Euros, and don’t invest in Tata; can’t say why. I have chosen the pseudonym of Schweinsteiger, who is my favourite Aston Villa or Burnley  or West Ham player.

Please can you advise me through the highly encrypted portal that is   Intertwit.

Thanks you honest hard working Twits of the UK, especially the Northern Outhouse, or should that be Powerhouse.



JohnOB Major Twit Asked on 2016-04-08 in I'm confused.
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1 Answers

Schweinsteiger, we reckon the best bet here is to put all your money in a shoe box and bury it for a couple of years in one of your gardens. I’m thinking you might need a couple of shoeboxes (unless your feet are very big) as you’ve probably got a lot of cash to stash.

The heat may be on for you right now Schweinsteiger , but it won’t last forever. In a couple of years everyone will have forgot about this little difficulty and you can invest legitimately in one of the corporate coffee or internet giants who don’t have to pay tax anyway.

We used to keep all our valuables (things like favourite sandwiches, Nazi gold and our nostalgic 1980’s jazz magazines) in a little place in Hatton Garden. Little did we know! And because the sandwiches were contravening 9 or 10 Environmental Health laws we have no recourse through insurance claims. Sometimes you live and learn via the hard way Schweinsteiger.

Well, we’d like to say good luck but that wouldn’t be honest or true. Instead we hope you contract a very nasty bout of gastroenteritis from your beluga stuffed pigs head.



Chief Twit Answered on 2016-04-10.
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