RE: Rats

Dear Intertwit,

My parents appear to be pleasant people in the main. Yes intensively annoying on occasion but I’ve run various algorithms based on my “parental disorder system” (that I’ve written as part of my computer science course at primary school) and I’ve come to certain tentative conclusions about them and the appalling conditions we are forced to live in.

I’ve run my revolutionary program through my Acer Aspire E 15 E5-575G-76YK i7 Laptop (which they “kindly” bought despite the minimum RAM/CPU I specified) and I’ve worked through some significant problems they (I suppose it’s “we”) have here in our country residence (which is rather pathetically small compared to what I’d have expected them to have achieved/occupy at their considerable age by now).

It’s rats. Yes rats, Intertwit. We’re infested by them.

My “parents” have enlisted the help of terriers, poison/baited traps, air rifles etc. I haven’t fallen for any of that.

On the rat front they don’t know where to start. What do you suggest?

Kind Regards,

Problem Child

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1 Answers

It’s lovely to hear from you once again Problem Child you precocious little brat. (“Precocious little brat” is a term of great endearment in case you were wondering). You really must be a source of constant joy to your parents.

First thing’s first. Well done on the parental algorithm program. While I’m sure it can do many things with regard to inveigling extra pocket money and Quavers from you mater and pater I’m not surprised that it’s hit a stumbling block with your rat problems. You will require instead an even more modernistic and technological solution.

And you’re in luck because since your question was posted has announced the formation of its exciting new vermin extermination system – ILRS.





Bloody hell, it’s going to cause a revolution in rat disposal – worldwide!

How does it work? Well it’s quite simple really…especially when you’re using our patented “Catherine Zeta Jones Entrapment Laser Despatchment Unit (CZJELDU)” technology.

Our highly trained engineers will visit your rat infested hellhole and set up a series of mirrors all over the place (like Catherine Zeta Jones in the film “Entrapment”) in the areas where your rats are. Turn on the laser – which is in fact a highly powered US Navy AN/SEQ-3 Laser Weapon System that we “borrowed” from somewhere. Don’t ask where, you want your rat problem solved don’t you? – and a powerful beam shoots forth into our patented “Ball of Power (BOP)” device. The BOP splits the laser death ray into six further concentrated beams which bounce across the mirrors forming an impenetrable grid of doom for any rat that passes by. In cricketing terms, Geoff Boycott would call it a “corridor of uncertainty”. We call it a “Corridor of Certain Death”.

Within minutes, yes minutes, your rat problem will have disappeared.

Although the ILS is absolutely deadly to vermin like rats, mice, pigeons and giant pandas it won’t destroy nice animals like woodpeckers or goats – unless you want it to of course. There’s a Woodpecker friendly setting at the back of the unit by the sandwich maker.

For peace of mind, The ILRS system comes with a 100% guarantee of success or your money back. Unless we’ve already spent it.

Still a little unclear about how this all works? – just click on this diagrammatical facia then.


Looks blindingly obvious to us Problem Child. The “ILRS CZJELDU” is available right now (even at this time!) from all major garden centres and places where you can buy fireworks (eg off dual carriageways or in pub car parks) – RRP £17.99 or 2 for £40.00.

Despatch those vermin!


Chief Twit Answered on 2016-11-25.
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