RE: Should I be a politician or banker?

Dear Intertwit,

I’m making some serious decisions about whether i should be a politician or a banker now that I’m coming up to 10 years old. In my opinion either choice seems quite good – especially at my age as I have limited control over vocabulary and finance….and I think if I could just “hang on to that” in later life I’d be perfect for either role respectively.

But the game changer might be that I also want to make a fat pile of cash (my parents decided to take other careers that have involved me not being able to have a fresh new Lakeland lunch box/bag on a daily basis).

Your opinion would be much appreciate at my tender young age.

Problem Child

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1 Answers

Problem Child, hello again.

Your new question is a serious one and while some may say you should be spending the halcyon days of your childhood in tree-climbing, rope-swinging, having random scraps over the park, discussing  and comparing who has the best scabs on your knees and forming lifelong friendships it is, we suppose, never too early to start thinking about the future.

And It is reassuring to see that you are not frittering away your school holidays on Taylor Swift, X-Box games and boiled sweets.

So let’s have a look at you ProblemChild. Just what might you be suited to?  From the questions you have asked in the past and the manner in which they have been phrased it is apparent that you do have a certain charm although at first glance it may appear limited and rather “selective”.

It’s also clear to us that you obviously have problems with social interaction of any kind with people of any age. Empathy does not appear to be in your vocabulary and you can appear somewhat self-obsessed at times. The working classes and their troubles are not important to you. You have enough to worry about after all.

For these reasons, we think being a career politician would be your ideal match.

Imagine yourself as the Secretary of Health. We don’t think you would have any qualms about pulling the plug on a series of dialysis machines, Maternity Units or Accident & Emergency wards. Your thick-skinned brutality, a quality that many politicians admire, would be a major weapon for you. You’ll be able to take the barbs of opponents with ease…just watch out for eggs, bricks and occasional assassination attempts.

One thing that will hold you back, initially at least, will be money. Recent Prime Ministers, Chancellors and Foreign Secretaries have all come from Eton-educated backgrounds where £20 notes are not so much currency as toilet paper. (There’s also the strange practices with pigs but we daresay you’ll work out your own specialist quirks for yourself).

So before you go into politics we recommend that you therefore embark on a short but lucrative banking career to make a shedload of cash. Morals are optional (in fact frowned upon) and venality is encouraged in the world of banking so we’d have no hesitation in thinking you would be a few million to the good in no time at all and ready to embark upon the political world with all the clout you need. Best of all, once you’re finished being PM, you could take up a couple of highly paid one-day a month non-executive Directorship roles before you go into House of Lords and arms dealing.

That all sounds good eh? Well it does doesn’t it? However we at can spot talent when we see it ProblemChild. That’s why we want to you offer you a limited internship for the next 12 months writing your own ProblemChild (© column!

What do you think? We know you’ve got a lot to say and right now no one is listening to you. Absolutely no one. We can give you the platform you need for anything you want spout on about. Obviously we won’t pay you but you could be the next Katie Hopkins, Richard Littejohn, Caitlin Moran or Terry Christian in a matter of weeks….

…the ball is in your court ProblemChild.

We look forward to hearing from you soon.

Chief Twit Answered on 2017-01-01.
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