RE: tolerant film makers
I am putting together a film, with a working title of The Grammar School of Curious Intolerant Children, and intend to set it in your xenophobic little island as making a film in Spanish would be totes loco, and my intern researchers have failed to identify if Judi Dench speaks Español.
It will tackle the difficult subject of food intolerance, which is, how you say, bang on trend. It will be humorous and light hearted with probably Hugh Grant as the headmaster or maybe a bit darker with Vinny Jones or Ian McShane.
I have done some research on what a traditional English school looks like and I have concluded the following;
•all girl schools have a headmaster in drag, with dubious characters lurking in the bushes with betting slips while the staff and pupils carry out illegal but well intentioned capers.
•for mixed schools, it is only accessible by way of a steam train from a concealed platform at Kings Cross to transport you to a wholly unlikely establishment obsessed with sorcery, so probably some ropey creationist free school.
There are not many films about all boy schools so I was hoping you could enlighten me as to the way of education in these secretive establishments. These mystical places surely produce your country’s leaders of industry where they develop skills through Latin, rugby and chess.
I will be working on my script so welcome all suggestions from Intertwit experts.
¿ can you help me, por favour?
paz y amor
Hi there Los Tobillos, it’s good to hear from you again and also great news to hear about your new and exciting cinematic venture.
Schooldays have of course been a subject that have been covered with various degrees of success over the years in the UK and you’ve obviously pretty much cottoned onto the general gist of them in your question. Here’s a few of our favourites films of the genre:
1935 – Good Bye Mr Chips
The story of a teachers life in a minor public school starring the always excellent Robert Donat. A gentle and sentimental piece of whimsy that always make us cry.
1968 – If
The mental story of a revolution that takes place in a minor public school starring the always deranged Malcolm McDowell. God knows what it’s all about. A sociological study piece for sure.
Scum – 1979
Not exactly tea and crumpets here and life in a young offenders institute in the 1970’s doesn’t actually seem that fun. Ray Winstone is the lead so fill in the blanks yourself.
2006 – The History Boys
Written by Alan Bennett it’s about the struggle to get some kids into the Oxbridge universities. It’s got James Corden in it so that’s a shame.
All good stuff for you to watch if you’ve not seen them Los Tobillos but they are in the past and you will need a new angle if you want to win an Oscar, BAFTA or TV Choice award with “Grammar School of Curious Intolerant Children”.
It is however your lucky day! It just so happens some of the staff here at intertwit actually went to school and, furthermore, several of them went to an all boys school!
Single sex schools are often accused of blind indoctrination, mental cruelty and quite large amounts of physical brutality. Despite that our chaps seems to be quite normal although none of them has a girlfriend and 2 of them didn’t speak to a lady until they were 24. The other one sits in a corner rocking gently from side to side but he’s one of the techies and that appears to be default state for them no matter their educational background.
Anyway, we’ve come up with a couple of hilarious schoolboy related scenarios that may or may not have really happened in a real English boys school…
♦ It’s lunchtime and it’s raining at school today and all the boys have been let into the gym to dry out. Some mildly boisterous and good natured horseplay is however mistaken by one the more psychotic PE teachers as the outbreak of a Lord of the Flies style breakdown in society. As such the teacher decides everybody is behaving like “Animals!!!” and therefore the boys should dress as “Animals!!!”. Cue 5 minutes of approximately 150 boys awkwardly undressing down to their underwear while the teacher looks on. The bell goes for the end of lunch and everyone gets dressed to go to lessons. Nothing is ever said of it again. Ever.
Intertwit’s suggestion for the role: Christopher Walken
♦ It’s Games time! But one of the kids has mischievously forgotten his shorts. No worries because one of the psychotic PE teachers has a woodwork apron that the child can wear instead. Cue to shot of large overweight boy wearing a rugby shirt, socks, football boots and a woodwork apron engaging in a pointless death march \ cross-country run. The boy is sobbing uncontrollably as he makes his way round the course. The teacher idly scratches his testicles (his own testicles fortunately) in satisfaction of a job well done.
Intertwit’s suggestion for the teacher role: Dennis Hopper
♦ It’s a Day Trip To France! Follow the boys on the annual 5th form (year something in modern parlance) day trip to Calais where they try to make use of their GCSE French lessons to buy training shoes, flick knives, bangers and cheap wine. See how the teachers cope with 30 completely drunk (and in some cases soiled) under age teens while simultaneously trying to think of excuses why they were not to blame for not being able to control their charges.
Intertwit’s suggestion for the teachers roles: Shane Ritchie, Amanda Holden, Su Pollard, Willem Defoe
♦ A teacher (could be priest) slaps a boy repeatedly in the face and sends him for a weeks detention for being insolent because he can’t understand how to pronounce the boy’s foreign surname. Just like the 1970’s sitcom “Mind Your Language”!
Intertwit’s suggestion for the role: Mrs Brown out of “Mrs Brown’s Boys”.
We reckon all of these absolutely hilarious (and possibly true) scenarios could somehow find its way into your film Los Tobillos. If they do can we come to premiere? And can we sit next to Myleene Klass? She’s always at these sort of those things.