RE: Tucking people in at bedtime

Dear Intertwit,

My friends and I have a long and rich history of tucking people into bed (quite tightly) at night when, for example, they may have had one or twenty alcoholic beverages too many and collapsed on the bed snoring. Many of them have woken up in exactly the same position in the morning and have had to request “release” (by shouting quite loudly).  On the one occasion on which we put a certain individual to bed with a vacuum cleaner (switched on) it was difficult to hear them. Maybe that’s a side issue and we’ve stopped that practice now due to recent Health and Safety concerns.

But a “tight tucking in” does stop people from falling out of bed and they can only thank us for that.

This has usually been in hotel/B&B scenarios where the beds are made up with traditional sheets. This caters for the necessary tension that is required for a very tight and secure “tuck”.

How would we achieve this with a duvet?

Thank you

Minor Twerp Major Twit Asked on 2016-01-12 in I'm confused.
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1 Answers

Well Minor Twerp, you and your friends certainly sound like a lot of fun what with all your vacuum hoover shenanigans. Give us a call next time you’re on a 20-pinter and Intertwit will buy you all a drink!

However let’s get to the question in hand – tucking in using a duvet.

You are absolutely right of course, tucking in was easier in the days of bedsheets and blankets. The inebriated tuckee could be simply wrapped in the style of an Egyptian mummy and within a few seconds they were incapacitated, ready for bed and unable to move for the next 8 hours. Salad days for tuckers.

The introduction of the duvet has in many ways attacked the very fabric of British society. Hospital sheets and the strict bed making regime of matrons up and down the nation are what made this country great and, Minor Twerp, I like to think your ridiculous tucking in practices, while bevvied up in B & B’s, are indeed a tribute to Aneurin Bevan and his vision for a free National Health Service for all. Well that’s what I like to think…

Despite all this, tucking in with a duvet is not impossible although you will need a few extra implements to hand. Namely, a couple of stretchy bike straps and a roll of clingfilm.

So, once you have your tuckee, or victim, in a compliantly drunk state roll him in to the middle of the duvet and wrap the bedding round them. Take the bike straps and secure them tightly around the duvet. Finally wrap the whole “duvet parcel” in clingfilm. Hey Presto – you’ve got yourself a “Ballotine of Idiot” that even David Blaine or Dynamo would have trouble escaping from!

NB – Remember to the leave the head and feet unwrapped so you can draw on the individuals face and tie their shoelaces to the nearest bedpost. Insert your vacuum where you feel it will make the most impact.

Well, I hope that helps Minor Twerp but if you are feeling nervous about using this new “Ballotining” method why not try experimenting on a goat or a sheep first if you happen to have one handy.


Chief Twit Answered on 2016-01-12.
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