RE: Who doesn’t like a Christmas Quiz?

Good, here is a Christmas Quiz

Q1. Do you believe in Father Christmas?
A. Of course, in fact I wish it was Christmas every day and have a tree up 365 and eat turkey every day, when I remember to take my medication.

B. Well, St Nicholas was indeed a Saint from Asia Minor, modern day Turkey, indeed, ironic, huh, and while the story of St Nicholas has been adopted into pagan festivals the good spirit prevails so yes, let’s run with it.

C Santa, yeah, well funny, fat fuck in red, bring on the toys, comes once a year, fills your stockings. Ha ha.

Q2. How will you see in the new year?
A. Gonna create my own bake off special with my likeminded friends and make endless jokes about soggy bottoms, baps, buns, and an honourable mention for Nigella’s bunts.

B. We will be cooking Nigella’s latest louche offerings, but tastefully, though maybe a bunt or two, with some safe fireworks, maintaining a good 10 metre distance.

C. Essentially wankered since the first sniff of Christmas, somewhere around 1st of December, this is just another night on the Stella, with annoying fireworks. May raise a can to 15 months from Brexit.


Q3. Will enhancing your pension be one of your New Years Resolutions?

A. Have a final salary triple lock 40/80ths little number that means I could retire tomorrow but hang around just to annoy everyone else and keep a NEET out of a useful job. I am very pleased with myself, some might say, a smug fuck.

B. Well, might not be as lucky as those baby boomers and the like, so will have to knuckle down, make top ups, and maybe retire at 74. We’re all in it together as the old chancellor used to say, and he knew a thing or two, those PPE degrees don’t come easy.

C. Pensions are for wankers; fags, booze and type 2 all the way. I’m leaving this place in a box, or with the help of a crane.

Q4. How will you celebrate Christmas Day?

A. watching channel 5 or True Christmas films as long as the plot involves cute male/female, single/ divorced/ widowed quite young, with cute child or two, who meets someone who may or not be in a similar situation or the son/daughter/wife of Santa Claus who has to save Christmas as there is not enough Christmas spirit around, and there may be a cute dog/cat and they may run a bookshop/toyshop/soup kitchen which is being repossessed by evil landlords on Christmas eve. Or their Christmas is saved by ghosts; that is also a good plot

B. Watching Netflix, box sets, seasons, Love Actually, Elf; Charming.

C. Morecambe and Wise, Mrs Browns Boys special, and Babestation, wearing those reindeer horns, ohh, horns, gumph.

Will you be checking out the Boxing Day holiday offers?
A. Yes, Lapland, again

B. Backpacking in the Namib desert or a yoga retreat in the south of France, though probably both, and then some.

C. Staycation, whatever that means, proper English holiday, plus two weeks golf in the Algarve, plus some booze cruises, cos, say what you like about the French, the wine is piss cheap.

Q6. What are your plans for Boxing Day?
A. Watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang of course.

B. Need to buy some appropriate clothing for backpacking in the Namib Desert so off to Blacks.

C. Will camp outside Argos for yet another flat screen and woe-betide any
bastard in my way.

Q7. Will you be going to a religious service , say, midnight mass?

A. And miss Santa, I am too busy putting out mince pies plus a carrot for Rudolf, and Dasher, Dancer, Prancer , Vixen , Comet ,Cupid ,Donner (now you know!) And Blitzen

B. For sure, so much better since they hired S4C to keep out the drunks and students and occasionals and ahem, ‘specials’. Now it’s totes lovely.

C. Bollocks, it’s all LGBT, LTGB, BLT, yeah, whatever poofs and pricks I call them. What the hell has that got to do with Christmas.

Q8. Who do you want to be Christmas number 1?
A. Mariah Carey or maybe Cliff Richard.

B. Gosh, don’t really know, been so busy with the baking and the Kirsty Christmas makeover, and the charts are full of airbnb, or is that rnb or grime, so I guess the John Lewis song would be nice. Or Adele?

C. Raxu, Ragsu, Ratskew, ?? I guess. That Simon Cowell, genius, wish I had his money, yeah Raxu, Watford’s finest

Q9. How will you decorate your home this Christmas?
A. As if a rainbow reindeer unicorn came over your house;that would be it.

B. Tasteful, LED incandescent effect lamps, with hand made wicker baubles and foraged tree decorations.

C. Cover the house with ozone depleting abhorrence visible from Mars, with a massive Santa stroking his reindeer that looks suspiciously like bestiality, and a leaping creature that may be the Christmas skunk, or not, we just don’t know.

Q10. Will you have a Christmas album playing?
A. Now That’s What I call Christmas Every Day.

B. We love the new albums of Christmas songs reimagined with the Philharmonic. What’s not to love. I would never have got round to seeing Elvis play with them, far too busy on mumsnet, and Roy Orbison has not had an album out for years so that will help pay for his care home fees, which are huge;don’t get me started.

C. That nice Mike Read should do a Christmas album.

Mostly ‘A’s
You have a wonderful aura, that may be green and red, with sparkly bits. You need to get out more, maybe date a little, but do not mention any of this shit in your profile. Then again maybe you should but expect to be disappointed. Unless you strike it lucky with an elf, then, good luck and get at it, like, hammers and tongs.

Mostly ‘B’s
You are definitely enjoying the spirit of Christmas and all that the media has been pumping into your shallow world. Whatever; doesn’t matter, as long as your children Menai and Forth enjoy an organic, biodiverse and inclusive festive event then job done, while you get cunted on the botanicals in your artisanal gin. Chin Chin!

Mostly ‘C’s
You are the winners here. No really. Life is fucking ace. All the others aspire to your happiness and contentment. Everything else is bullshit and aspirational bollocks. Pop down to Asda and get another crate of Stella. Cheers.
Happy Christmas



JohnOB Major Twit Asked on 2017-12-08 in Popular Culture.
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1 Answers

Thanks for your timely and seasonal questions John O’B! We thought we’d wait until after Christmas was finished with until giving you our full answers so here they are:


Q1. Do You Believe in Father Christmas?

Yes we do and we thank him for the presents he bought us this year: An orange, a stick and a hoop and a “Stomach Pump Day Experience” with the chance to upgrade to include a full “Colonic Irrigation Procedure”. Smashing.


Q2. How will you see in the new year?

Having recovered from Nigella’s baps we’ll be drinking our body weight in craft beer and eating a no bones KFC bucket. We’ll be cashing in our voucher fairly soon after.


Q3. Will enhancing your pension be one of your New Year Resolutions?

Yes it will. We’ve got a special pension plan here at and we’ll be investing our surplus pension fund (currently standing at around £9) on McVicar running today in the 3.15pm at Catterick. It’s nailed on.


Q4. How will you celebrate Christmas Day?

We cooked for 6 hours, ate for 30 minutes and watched Dr Who. We felt too full for the full Babestation experience so went to bed early.


Q5. Will you be checking out the Boxing Day holiday offers?

When was Boxing Day? We may have been in a full diabetic coma.


Q6. What are your plans for Boxing Day?

I refer the honourable gentleman to the answer I gave some moments ago.


Q7. Will you be going to a religious service, say midnight mass?

Not an organized religious service per se but we’ll watch a couple of episodes of Father Ted and then recite the names of the priests in the Mrs Doyle “Father Todd Unctious speech”. Pick your favourite one!

Fr. Andy Riley, Fr. Desmond Coyle, Fr. George Byrne, Fr. David Nicholson, Fr. Declan Lynch, Fr. Ken Sweeney, Fr. Neil Hannon, Fr. Keith Cullen, Fr. Ciaran Donnelly, Fr. Mick McEvoy, Fr. Jack White, Fr. Henry Bigbigging, Fr. Hank Tree, Fr. Hiroshima Twinkie, Fr. Stick Bubblecart, Fr. Johnny Hellzapoppin’ , Fr. Luke Duke, Fr. Billy Ferry, Fr. Chewy Louie, Fr. John Hoop, Fr. Hairy Cakelinum, Fr. Ebula Conundrum, Fr. Peewee Stairmaster, Fr. Tight Head Lips, Fr. Jemima Racktouey, Fr. Jerry Twig, Fr. Spodo Komodo, and of course Fr. Canabrana Lammer.’


Q8. Who do you Want to be Christmas No1?

We are big fans of both the superbly bouncy but modestly clothed Mariah Carey and the childrens rhyming dictionary inspired Rak-su but apparently the 2017 Christmas no 1 was by everyone’s favourite acoustic small-guitared urban (by way of Framlingham in Suffolk) troubadour. We can’t f88cking standing his twee shite here at but hey it’s a free world.

To be honest the last Christmas No 1 we can remember was the RATM protest vote in 2009 but our absolute favourite is Conway Twitty and “It’s Only Make Believe” which was topped the festive hit parade in 1958.


It’s good isn’t it?


Q9. How will you decorate your home this Christmas?

We’ve got a full on Batman light thing which projects the Batman symbol 500m into the clouds in the hope that the caped crusader will come to our rescue and save us from the clutches of evil.

Not sure we got the gist of this question…but that’s what we’ve got.


Q10. Will You Have a Christmas Album Playing?

We were going to have Michael Buble at Christmas singing “Feliz Navidad” but the CD was unfortunately destroyed in a bizarre turkey basting flamethrower incident.  We settled for the first 6 Black Sabbath albums followed by the first 6 Van Halen albums instead. Birmingham meets LA. Jingle feckin’ bells!!!


Well John O’B , I’ not sure where that puts us in terms of A’s B’s & C’s but we had a pretty good time. Hope you did too!


Chief Twit Answered on 2017-12-28.
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