celebrities and reality shows 2: the sequel, so a not as good reworking of the format
I cannot get enough of celebrities and reality. I cannot decide if they are different or the same thing. Blows your mind. Totes!
Anyway, I would like to suggest some new shows that may be required to add to the , how can I say this, tired format of some time of the existing shows, when I say tired I probably mean the run-ragged desperately on their last legs starved of talent numbnuts parade. Bit like My Chemical Romance’s Black Parade, but a lot more make up for the numbnuts. We all like a bit of eyeliner, but, Cheryl!!
Times are a changing as people say who are trying to fill the gap between having something useful to say and plagiarising something someone else said but claiming it as their own. Fortunately this is not the case on the creative forum that is Intertwit so, no, we will have none of that but totally new ideas. So therefore I will appoint myself as the official Head of Trends(HOT) and spout some future-thinking while coyly looking over my shoulder at the past (and maybe going OH!)
As everyone knows in the HOT world, in the future no one will go to shops any more. Everything will be ordered by App, packed by robots and delivered by drone. This leaves shops redundant, but no. The shops will be used as sets for reality programmes like Are You Being Served, Open All Hours and, err, Desmond’s, so I guess haircuts will be also performed by drones, with scissors and trimmers. Hilarious. Especially if we update the shows to Are You Being Servered, where Russians hack in to your main frame while the cast of reality D listers prank around a VR shopping channel. ( mmmhh, that could work), or Hoppen All Hours, where the corner shop provides all the basic food stuffs but also Farrow and Ball paints and Osborne and Little wallpaper, with a vintage till that hilariously traps the corkscrew blonde’s locks every time some twat pays with cash. ( so not HOT!!). And Desmond’s will be, err, about haircuts and scissors, I guess. Maybe with some product. This is an uncomfortable area for the HOT team.
The reality shows will of course be true to the original script, with lashings of innuendo, light hearted racism and well intentioned but ultimately soul destroying bullying , plus hot-tubs and swimwear pool parties.
Ground Force may be a distant memory of planting of perennial borders, joshing and decking, but Tenko is a slightly more distant memory, but Pacific rim fusion is all the rage so throwing a gang of B rated celebs into a bamboo prison camp with the sushi delights of treats for guerrilla gardening, rainwater storage and seedbanking. Crazy or what.
Love thy Neighbour was a sad indictment of a hopefully forgotten age where the foibles of race-challenged neighbours had hilarious, sorry, painful exchanges over the garden fence. But let us not throw the baby out with the bath water, as the culturally diverse quarrelling neighbours is still a great formula. We like watching the Aussi soaps Neighbours and Home and Away but how about Send Home Our Neighbours Away Back Where They Came From, a light hearted Brexit based suburban love and hate story; without the love. Fortunately there are plenty of celebs that have inadvertently had their twitter or Facebook past dragged up by the press showing them to be just right for this kind of role.
Mind your Language was unwatchable even then, with horrendous stereotypes, and remains in the category of ‘not fit for Dave channel’ thankfully and even not fit for the Yesterday ‘Hitler’ Channel. Mind you, the recent Piers ‘friend of the stars’ Morgan interview of Jim ‘Chalky’ Davidson has proved there is an audience for shit squared.
Here in the HOT headquarters we want to distance ourselves from Shitsquared, so predict the following TV delights
Hash in the Attic. Celebrities form teams with police helicopters to hunt out hotspots that could be hydroponic cannabis farms. The winner is the team that pulls in the highest street value of skunk.
Vocation, Vocation, Vocation. Celebrities, such as Rev Kate from Gogglebox, or Rev Richard Coles are looking for a new vicarage but can’t decide on whether to knock through to create a living/dining/kitchen experience, or maybe a snug, or home cinema, while making sure they retain kerb appeal.
The only way is Sussex (TOWIS)
Celebrities head to Beachy Head to do the right thing. Suggest first programme to include Piers ‘friend of the stars’ Morgan and Jim ‘ Nic Nic’ Davidson, maybe holding hands: sweet.
Pointless Pointillism: Zander, Richard, Dots!
The Chaser, with a laser
Countdown, no really, 30 seconds till Trump/Putin/Kim give us a proper conundrum
so if that is the question, what is the answer, or if that was the answer, I am questioning everything.
Peace and love
Thanks JohnOB , now we’ve read your question (?) we are officially loving your HOT ideas here at the ‘twit. And as such we’ve rated them on how likely they’ll actually come to fruition:
Hoppen All Hours: 8/10
Absolutely nailed on and it’s already been commissioned for Autumn 2019. Along with curly Kelly, it’s anticipated that her put upon Granville type stooge will be played by Rent a Posh idiot manchild Jamie Laing on the basis there’s no more reality programmes left that he can appear in.
Ground Force Tenko: 3/10
This one maybe slightly contentious but we guess there’s always a few people we’d all like to see put through a Guantanamo style water-boarding process attempting to install a water feature while the said celeb is being hampered by the insertion of multiple bamboo shoots into various crevices.
Send Home Our Neighbours Away Back Where They Came From 7/10
Brexit’s a fertile area for comedians but it’s mainly the left wing socialist types who have all the best lines. The twist with this sitcom is that former English Defence League leader Tommy Robinson and bearded Scotch firebrand Frankie Boyle will be playing the main protagonists but unfortunately because former English Defence League leader Tommy Robinson and bearded Scotch firebrand Frankie Boyle will be playing the main protagonists the surfeit of offensive views and abusive swearing will mean it will only be broadcast at 3am on Tuesday mornings…for 7 minutes.
It’s unlikely to get a 2nd series and may not even get past the first episode.
Still, it’ll be better than Miranda or Mrs Brown’s Boys.
Hash in the Attic 11/10
On current form, Ant McPartlin will obviously be the host but fortunately not flying the helicopter. Hopefully Anneka Rice will be involved somewhere running through hedges although Rachel Riley or Myleene Klass will be acceptable alternatives. (This could be a programme on its own merits).
Vocation Vocation Vocation 2/10
Nice try, but trendy vicars don’t really do it for anyone do they? This chap might stand a chance though.
The Only Way is Sussex 6/10
Much loathed as we are to see more of Piers Morgan’s massive head we’d be happy for it to be dashed against the rock of an English beach.
Maybe have the show as an annual event to coincide with the nearby Lewes Bonfire Night Celebrations
Your other suggestions around Richard Osman etc have some merit too but stray into the Alan Partridge Monkey Tennis area i.e. ridiculous but likely to happen.
Carry on though JohnOB with more of your wacky ideas as you are now officially our Head Of Trends at intertwit.com! A salary commensurate with your skills and responsibilities will be calculated soon and paid in bamboo shoots!
Welcome on board!